Dec 29th

Probably the hardest holiday I have ever had. Today is our three year anniversary. I have been married to the love of my life for three years, and I cannot celebrate it with her. We have never had a chance to celebrate properly, our first year we were car shopping and bought a car. Second year we flew home from x mas holds us. But at least we spent the whole day together. I love being with my wife if were are doing adventures or mundane everyday things.
  I have not done a very good job of showing my love and appreciation and celebration of her entering my life for eternity. I hold on to the hope that I will have many more anniversaries to celebrate properly. Today we celebrated over ice cream comes from 1500 miles away. I'm glad we were able to do something, we talked for a few minutes, she has sent me photos of her and Calvin. I am glad she is with family today, it's been hard on me and I hope being with family helps.
I know she has a lot on her mind at this moment, she is sifting through a lot if opinions, feelings and options. I wish there was something I could to do to help. I wish I could take her in my arms and just hug her. I wish I could talk to her face to face and comfort her. I know it helps for me to write it all out. I just wish there was something more I could do. I hope she knows that I am here patiently waiting by my phone if she ever needs to talk.

I spent the day doing my check off list. I printed off the programs, cleaned off the porch of wood and debris, re did the gas cover. Ran some errands and got some tp and spinach. I finished ms Wilson today. She is my temporary visual aid of my wife of memories. She had items that are all connected to my wife. The basketball for the head represents our courtship and early marriage of games of horse, in which she would beat me. A helmet to represents our time in st George and she is adventurous. The jacket represents our marriage. I cannot look at that jacket and not think about the day I proposed to her and she said yes. And also the day before my life changed for eternity. I can picture her wearing it all the time. I put a photo of her and my son in the airport to remind me of who I love and where I want to be. Tp represents the fun and spontaneous things we do together, and the traditions we are creating for ourselves. Lingerie, well do I really need to explain that?
I love my wife. I love my son.
I just got back from a walk around the block, it's cold. But desires the bitter cold, it gave me time to hear my thoughts out. I struggle between thought of fear and doubt and hope and faith. On this walk I have been thinking about everything that has happened. I was walking along the same route I would take my son to calm him down, glad I wasn't barefoot this time. I have been through hell. My soul and heart are broken. I am at an all time low. But as I was walking around the block, at one point I felt that peace that I felt on Christmas Eve. I felt that now it is time to start climbing the mountain out of hell. The valley has been reached. Now  I am climbing up and out. That peace is so welcoming. It gives me clarity of though and those unfounded fears and doubts are gone. I determination and desire fill those voids. My love for my family is my overriding motivation. My weaknesses will not come between my family and I. It will not hinder our eternal progression. My actions will bear the fruit of repentance and change. This will just be the start.
My heart breaks everyday that I am away from my son and wife. I love and care for them more than life itself. But i need to think like i am one day closer to being with them. My wife reminded me that this is all for my son. And it is. I want I be a great father to him and my future children. I made a mistake. I will not have that happen again. I need to learn how to control my emotions more than I thought. I never had been pushed to the limit before, I need to learn how to better recognize and rechannel that emotion. I need the atonement to strengthen my weakness. I am not running away or hiding from my problems. I am facing them head on, to conquer and overcome them. I am starting to climb the mountain. That peace I feel gives me the knowledge as long as I am doing what I need to repent and change, I will be with my family again. My wife today helped me realize that saying, "Thank you. That is exactly how I feel and you put it Into words a lot better than I could. As you produce the fruits of repentance an change we want you back!! The door is never closed and the only way it would be is if you closed it yourself. I feel like my heart is open to you. We love you and want you to be in our lives so as long as you want that too then we are good :)"
I love my good wife. She is absolutely amazing. I am trying and doing everything I can to prove to her that I love her and I can be a great father and husband. I can produce the fruits of repentance because I know that my repentance is real. My desire and motivation to change and be with my family is real and strong. I can do this. I will be with my family again. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever