Dec 19th

Today defined my legal status to my family. Reality is sobering. I cannot see my family faces for a year. I cannot hold them in my arms and tell them how much I love them. I am an outcast. I am homeless. I am alone.
Gratefully my attorneys are understanding. They know of my immense love for my family. They know that above all I want my family to be happy and together. Today I was shown justice and mercy. In order to keep CPS out of Alyssa and Calvin's life this needed to happen. But to say no contact with them for a year would be cruel to my soul. They talked with the judge and came up with a way to satisfy justice and mercy. I do not have to have a guilty conscious or fear that calling or texting might endanger my family. I count my blessings. They tried to get the minimum restrictions yet satisfy CPS. I was a hard thing to do. But I had one thought in my mind, "this is for your son and wife". I know that it was for them. It's hard. It sucks. It painful. But I have vowed to do anything and everything I can to get them back. This is one step. I must do it. Which means almost certainly that my wife and son are moving out of state. My selfish self hates that thought. I feel that I am chasing them out. They are fleeing me. Running away. But I trying to listen to my rational side. I know that if my wife gets a job there it is probably the right decision. Her family can lend her a hand. My family is moving there in a few weeks. It is away for the cps of brazos county.
But for me it looks like I must stay here. So far away. No chance of seeing them. Even if it comes to where I can have supervised visits, I will not be able to see them. I must wait until the end of everything to even see them again. I knew that it was going to be hard and extremely difficult process, but the reality of this situation is setting in. I must set aside the selfish desires of my heart for the betterment of my family. I am committed to getting family together again, no matter the costs. I can't help but wonder what my future is. If after all this, if she or her family will ever trust me again. If I want/need to move out of state for a job or school, what will happen? Will she ever trust me to be alone with my own kids? I guess I need to focus on the year future before I can plan ahead. I need to focus o changing myself and making my weaknesses strong. But the fear of uncertainty and autonomy creeps in. More than anything I want my wife and son back in my life, and I want to be the breadwinner, worthy priesthood holder, and loving husband and father.
After court today I had a long talk with the people I am staying with. We talked about how this is changing my life. She told me how impressed she was with me when I came home from the mission, and how she feels that I am destined to do incredible things. That I am young enough that this will prepare me for whatever future tasks God has for me. She shared some very personal stuff about her marriage, and how things are not going very well. She is ready to walk out on her husband because of his anger issues. That she feels he has destroyed their love because he cannot control his anger. She told me how much God must love me and preparing me for great things to come. He gave me this teaching opportunity, my son is alive with no permanent deficits, he is too tout to remember this, my wife still loves me and wants me to be a part of the family. I am young enough to learn from this to be an incredible father and husband. That this will change my life if I let it.
It has changed my eternal destiny. It is preparing me for whatever great tasks God has prepared for me. She see great potential in me, and the capacity I will have after to help others will be immense. She said, "God must love you so much and expect so many great things from you, you may never feel like this was a blessing, but one day you will realize that God loved you so much that He allowed this to happen."
I am just briefly summarizing our conversation, but I know God has put me here In this home to hear this. I have always known and felt God expects great things from me. I know on my mission He expected a lot and I met those expectations. I feel I have a duty to become better instrument and man of God. I know there are great things I will do to help others and be in His service. My situation will cause me to either grow or shrink. I have chosen to grow and to climb the hill out of hell, to strengthen my weakness and faults. To expand my capacity to love and deepen my desire to do right. To increase my effectiveness as a servant of God and sensitivity to the Spirit.
I know that I will be emotional, I cannot help but worry about my family and the future. It is because I love and care for them so much and I feel so helpless. I feel an overwhelming desire and duty to be a better husband and father, that I am failing at my responsibilities as I am on the sideline. I feel so vulnerable without them in my life. It sounds so cheesy and cliche but they really do complete me. I cannot see my life without them and I refuse to think about not having them in my life because I know it's not a thought from God. I know He is preparing me for them. I know that he is helping me become a better husband for my dear wife. He is helping me increase my capacity to love her and provide for her needs. He is helping me become the father for my son than I could never be on my own. He is preparing me for work in His service among His children. He is giving me a gift. It feels like a curse, but hopefully one day I will look back on this Christmas and feel and see the gift God has given me. The capacity and worthiness to be with my family eternally. A greater capacity to love, cherish and provide for them. The desire and drive to repent, change and be a righteous man of God. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever