Today has been filled with books. Stayed here and studied for my finals coming up. Left for a little bit. And came back here and studied some more. BYU played tonight, they won a close game.
I had a really good talk with my grandpa today. It's been a long time since I have seen my family in Idaho. Over a year. But he is recovering from a very intensive back surgery. He is doing a lot better, the pain he was suffering from is gone, just the pain from the surgery resides but they expect that to go away.
My grandpa is a very good man. I am very blessed to have the examples I have in my life. There he is recovering from surgery and he is worried and concerned about me and my family. It was touching. I have not had the opportunity to have a conversation with him in awhile. It was overdue. He wanted me to know that they are their with their support and love for my family.
He said that he has been thinking a lot about the day we got married. I was taken back that anyone thinks about our marriage day. I assumed that it would only be I and my wife that would ever reminiscence about that great day. He was remember the spirit he felt when he watched my wife and I get sealed. He said, "it was one of those moments in my life where I knew that God was approving what was happening. The love I witnessed that you two had for each other while covenanting to each other was something I will never forget." He expressed his desire for me to remember those sacred covenants that I made to her. That my family is eternal, it cannot be broken.
He told me the same thing my father has said to me. That on my mission I taught people the gospel of Jesus Christ. I helped and taught them how to repent and obtain forgiveness through the atonement. Now it is the greatest test of my faith, applying those principles to my own life. That is this probably the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. But it is possible and worth the pain. He expressed his love for my wife. He said you have married an amazing woman who gave you an amazing blessing, a family. They need you just as much as you need them. You are bound to them, have faith in God and your covenants and strive to repent and live by them everyday. I told him how I not as concerned as what is going to happen to me as I am worried about them. I am so scared that I will lose them or that they will suffer will I am away. I want Calvin to have a happy and normal life. I want him to have a mother and father. I want to be his father. I want him to know how much I love him. I want to be a role model in his life. I want to be there to support and sustain my wife. I want to be the breadwinner and provide all the comforts of life for my family. It was just me getting punished because whatever punishment I receive will be in turn punishing my son and wife indirectly.
He also related that his situation is similar to mine. As I described my desire to protect and provide for my family he told me feels the same way. My grandma has MS, and as much as she tries she needs help. My grandpa wants to get better so he can provide and support her. So right now, although our situations are different we both have the same desire to be their for our loved ones. It hurts that we cannot do anything from our current circumstances, but our faith and hope that is one day we can surmount our obstacles and fulfill our duty towards our family. He says that my wife and son are constantly in his prayers. He loves them and is so glad that they are part of the family.
My aunt laura called me today. She wanted to tell me that is understands my predicament. Although what I did was heinous, most parents can relate to those feelings of frustration when you do everything you can to comfort your child and it doesn't work. She understood those feelings and wanted me to know that they were normal. She also wanted me to know that the girls pray for Calvin Alyssa and I every night and that we are loved and thought of often. We talked about them moving to the Carolinas or Portland when they sell their house. And how Luke was already a year old, I have not even met him yet but he is that old.
I read in Alma today. Chapter 24. It is the chapter about how the Anti-Nephi-Lehi were converted to the gospel, and covenanted that they would never break the commandments of God and it included " not staining our swords not more with the blood of our brethren". They had changed so completely and had so much faith in God that when the Lamanites went to war against them, they knelt and allowed themselves to be slaughtered rather than break their covenant with God. This gesture was so compelling to the Lamanites that they stopped killing them and were converted to the Gospel because of the faith of the Anti-Nephi-Lehis.
It was a good example of a people who used to do terrible things, repented and had become clean again. It proved to me that I can overcome my trial. I can repent and change. I can have change and have faith to the point where this can never happen again. It gives me hope that I too can become clean and come out stronger. I want this. It will be a long process but the end result is worth it. I can be forgiven. I can change. I can make sure this never happens again. I can become stronger. I can become a better person, father and husband.
I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
Tomorrow I will be reading Alma 25,26.
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