Today I feel worn down. Its probably due to the lack of sleep, not eating, physical and emotional stress and it was a rainy day. I have been trying not to bring electronics to bed. I have used them in the past to help focus and concentrate my mind so I can fall asleep at night. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt. It probably did more damage than good. My mind likes to race at night. So I need to find something else. But I am guilty of using a background noise app. My favorite background noise is rain on the roof top. It reminds me growing up when I slept next to an open window and on my mission. I loved the nights that it rained, it was really soothing. Listening to the rain hit the corrugated metal roof. So the last few nights I have had it on. When I wake up and I hear it playing it truly tricks my mind into thinking that it is raining outside and I fall asleep quick. So today when it was actually raining kinda through me for a loop. I had to get up early to study for two tests today. I did well enough to pass, which was what I was going for. I have a few more tests this week, and expect a lot of time studying. It helps to study but hard at the same time. Its hard to concentrate and learn when I have this situation always wanting my attention. But on the other hand it give my mind relief not having to worry about it for a brief moment. My and how they are doing is always at the forefront. I hope that they are doing great. I wish I could do more for them. But the best thing I can do is to what I am doing, staying away. I went home and took a nap. I still feel so worn down, so I stayed here and read and studied some.
I was reading in Alma 16-17 today. It amazes me that in every chapter I can find something that relates to my crisis. In Alma 16, it describes how the Lamanites attacked the Nephites unexpectedly. Although they destroyed a wicked city, they still attacked cities in the surrounding area. The Nephites chose to defend their land and their leader went to Alma to get direction from God on what they should do. They followed his guidance and were successful.
When I read this I applied it to my life. I had become complacent in my life. My defenses were not ready. I did not see or recognize any warning signs. I had no idea that this situation could happen to me. Then a terrible terrible thing happened. I have been racked by guilt I knew not existed.
I have choices. I can give up, or I can fight for my family. I know that now I must fight for my family. I must hope that it is possible. I have to change and repent. I have to try. I cannot lose them. I must become a better husband and father because of this. I want to do anything I can to change. I will do anything that is required of me. I will fight of my family who I love more than life itself. I must that that hope that I can be their father and husband agin.
My sister sent me this quote.
"Our eternal happiness is not one of Satan’s objectives. He knows that an essential key to making men and women miserable like himself is to deprive them of family relationships which have eternal potential. Because Satan understands that true happiness in this life and in the eternities is found in the form of family, he does everything in his power to destroy it." (2011 April General Conference, Establishing a Christ-Centered Home, Sat. Afternoon Session - Richard J. Maynes)
I will not let my weaknesses destroy my family. I will not deprive my son and my wife of that happiness. I will not let my weaknesses destroy such a good thing. God made us a family, I will not let it be broken. I will do anything and everything to become a worthy father and husband. I know that I can do it. It will be long and very difficult process. This trial must make me a better husband, father and person. My family is all that is important to me. Items, money, careers and honors do not last. Nor do they bring happiness. Family and those relationships are the only thing we can have in the next life. I know families that are so poor they do not know where their next meal is coming from. Then there are families I know that can afford what their whims desire. Yet I envy those families I know from my mission. They are so content and happy cause they have strong family relations. Families equal happiness. My family bring me immense joy and comfort. I want the happiness that I had with them. I will fight for them. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
I will be reading Alma 18-19.
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