Dec 3rd

Today was a rough day. I got alot of good and bad news thrown at me and I am not sure how to handle it. I have a lot of catching up in school and deadlines meet that adds to my stress. I had a hard day. I had to find time to go run and get some of that anxiety out of me. It helped. As I was running I thought how hard this must be on my wife. I have put her through so much. The range of feelings she has, and the stress... What have I done? My wife is an amazing woman. I knew that from the first time we met. Why do you think it took me so long to convince her to marry me. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choice. If I did not marry her then she would have had to go through this. I have always tried to put her before me. I will continue to do so forever. I have not always been successful. If I could take it all away and put it on me, I would not even hesitate. I would sacrifice everything to make sure she is happy.

I guess I had to marry such a woman cause I am not there yet. God had prepared her to marry me for a reason. My perfection. I had to have something to aspire to. I needed someone stronger than me. I needed help. My wife is the best mother I could ever think to raise my children. She is so strong of spirit and will. She has such righteous desires. She is full of energy and life. She can do hard things.

I cant imagine what she thinks of me. I was and tried to be such a good husband to her. I was so excited to have children with her. She made me a father. She gave me a beautiful baby boy. I love him so much.

I have now forced what was our shared burden onto her shoulders. Then piled worries and stress on top. I pains me to think of her in such a situation. But I know that God has prepared her for this trial. She will find strength she never knew. She will be able to be the greatest mom to our son. She will be able to provide financially for him. She will be able to make the right choices and decisions for their future. She will find a way to use the atonement to ease the burden placed upon her. The Lord teaches us to cast our yoke on Him and he will lighten our burdens. Sometimes we have to bear the burdens ourselves. But His promise is that he will strengthen you to carry the burdens. Mosiah 24:14 She can do it. I have every faith that she can. I know the character of her soul. I know how hard she works. I know how much she loves our son. She will be able to do this. She is not alone in this trial. There is a reason God puts us in families. Our extended families love and support us. They are our one of our greatest allies. She is the only person I know that can do this. She is capable of this and more.God has known and prepared her. She is a choice spirit of His. I know that this struggle will make her a better mother and person. She will come closer to perfection.

I want to be there for my family again one day. I want to be the husband that is worthy to have her as his wife. I want to be able to comfort and care for her. I want to be the father I know I can to my son. I want to guide and be there for him as he grows up. I want to provide a comfortable life for them. I know that I can one day. My own path is difficult. I dont know if I will ever get that chance. But I have to work with that goal in mind, having hope that it is possible. If that chance shows itself to me, I will be ready. It will be a long time before it presents itself, but I will be prepared. I will do everything I can to be ready.

I have tests to study for still tonight. Doing homework I had to write down my feelings at the moment. I am practicing expressing my emotions and feelings in the moment. Tomorrow I will have more time to dictate my day and what I studied in the scriptures. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever