My family means everything to me. I am want what is best for my son. I cling to every precious minute I have with my wife. Its my only lifeline. I am so vulnerable that is literally scares me to death. I feel like a shadow of myself, I have no joy or happiness. Tonight, they at our marriage class. I was fighting back emotions, I cannot even write right now. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
February 19th
Every night, I dread the morning. I hate my life. Nights I feel alone. I cant sleep. I fear the dark and quiet. And when I have a few moments of blissful unconsciousness, I have to awake up. I have to awake to the life I do not have. I hate waking up in the morning and realizing where I am. I am grateful for the people I am staying with, how their hospitality and generosity has touched me, but I hate it here. I hate that I have to be here. I hate that I am not with my family. I hate that I cannot see my son. I hate that I see my wife for a few moments. This is unbearable. My soul cannot continue to take this, without knowing that there is an end.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Feb 11th
Alone. Pain. Hell. My life for the last three months. Three words. Three months. The last few days have been especially tough. I have been physically sick. I think I had food poisoning or developed lactose intolerance. Last night was severe diarrhea, and throwing up. First time I have ever thrown up in the shower. The physical feeling doesnt compare to the mental and emotional anguish I feel. The last couple days I have really been on edge. An unsettling feeling of anxiousness and fear. I have been so jittery and tense. There are so many thoughts and fears and worries. I feel so alone, desolate, and isolated. My life is hell. I only cling to the hope that one day it will end. It has hard to see the end of all this. I have to hope that there is. I have to hope to be able to be with my wife and son again. I will never be able to be happy or experience joy if I cannot have them in my life. Everyday my heart breaks when I wake up many time during the night and I am not by my wife's side. The crushing loneliness and hostility of my situation in close to unbearable. I only suffer this for them. Hoping to be reunited with my loved ones again. Hoping I can be the man, husband and father again in their lives. Its a very selfish desire, I need them to be happy. I need them to feel peace. I need them to find joy. Right now I dont see what I offer them. Except a broken heart and everlasting love and desire to make them happy. I would do anything to be with them again. And I will, to endure these pains of hell and loneliness will be all worth it. To become the man, husband and father God needs/wants me to be through the sorrow and anguish will all be worth it to be with my wife and son. Eternally will this change my soul. Eternally will I be acutely aware of what my wife and son mean and are to me. Eternally will I be set out to prove my love and worthiness to them. Eternally will my destiny be changed. I hope my final destiny includes them. I love them to eternity and back. They have shaped who I am, who I want to be and who I will be. It is the hardest thing to be separated from them. I hate seeing my wife struggle. I hate that I cannot do anything meaningful for her, I hate feeling that I add to her troubles. I hate feeling like a burden to her. I wish I could contribute more happiness and ease to her life. Everyday I study my ring. When I bought it it had a hammered, rugged rock-like finish. over time I notice there are nicks gashes and scratches all over if you look closely enough. Those were hard times. It took alot of force to create the scratch or gash in the silver. If the ring could talk, I'm sure it would say it hurt and wasn't pleasant. But the finish of the ring is changing. Those nicks and scratches are a natural part of life, living life means hard times will come. For the moment it can be painful and agonizing, but life is not meant to be a glass case. No longer are the rough edges there, they are slowly being worn down to a smooth finish. Perfection come by way of imperfection. Everyday I look at my ring, I know I am not alone. Even though I feel so alone and isolated, there is a bond that this ring represents. Life can beat down upon this ring, but it will only help to perfect its finish. The bond of a temple marriage will last longer than this ring. My love and devotion to my wife is eternal. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Jan 31st
This post is about Jan 28th
Just starting to write makes my emotion to wild. The pit in my stomach that I have grows to sickening depths. Guilt and fear consume and torture my soul.
My lawyer called today, saying that unbeknownst to her or the new DA, a warrant has been issued. I was preparing my class for the day, and she told me to go and turn myself in. I had a 75,000 dollar bond placed on me. I could arrange with a bondsmen and hopefully be released same day, but I was told to expect the worst and don't talk to anyone about why I was there. It felt as judgment day had come. I cannot express the emotions and impending doom I felt. I was genuinely scared. I still am genuinely scared. I called my dad with a name of a bondsmen my lawyer recommended. I lost was lost with fear and anxiety. I was not prepared for the sudden looming unknown territory of the other side of the law. After I called my dad I called my wife. I wasn't sure when I would be able to speak to her again. The thought of leaving my son and wife is unbearable. True hell. I got dressed up in dockers and and a button up shirt.
I arrange my items here at the home I am staying so they all were in one place for easy pick up if I did not return. I made my way down stairs to tell the person who I was staying with about what is happening. She is an amazing person, God truly placed me here so she could help me through this. She offered to come down with me and help me make bail, she even offered to pay it. She told me that we is familiar with the process and had done it before. She even had a family friend who was a bail bondsmen and would help us out. I called my dad and told him to cancel who Amy referred us to because K had a personal family friend.
I called my wife again and it was so hard to hang up with her. I can't bear the thought of leaving my wife and son, it torments my very being.
We drove to the bondsmen, and introduced myself, and he already knew my name. He had just gotten off the phone with my father, turns out it was the same guy my lawyer referred me to, and was the family friend of K. God is in details of our lives.
He said he would speed up the process and explain a little more what was going to happen. He said you never know what is going on in there and if someone is having a bad day or leaves their desk I could be in there for awhile. Especially the nature of the charge is one of the most despicable there is, especially on paper. They could refuse bail just to teach a lesson. This was never the crowd I was ever around, the last place I ever suspected to find myself. K and I talked as I drove, I was fighting so hard my emotions thinking about my wife and son, how my life is changing. I had to grasp the thought that this is a necessary step to being with my family again. K and I went inside the bail entrance, buzzed through and said I was turning myself in. There were a few other people in the waiting room, mostly waiting for people to get on bail. K chatted with them, talking about their tattoos and how she is getting one and such. They told me they were waiting for the warrants to come through, but we were told by the bail bondsmen that he already called and they said they already had them. We called him and asked about it, he called them to see what was the hold up. The sheriff came and got me after about an hour of waiting. The moment the door closed behind us, my freedom was gone. I was completely at their mercy. I never had my freedom taken away to such an astonishing degree before. I understand better why millions of men have fought and died for freedom. Freedom and liberty are concepts I better understand in relation to life, politics and the plan of salvation. The officer did a full body search. He missed my wallet, which I realized further in he process. We went through another set of double doors with intercoms. He took me to this desk and took down my information . One thing I thought strange was no personal ID or photo identification was needed. Maybe they already had it but, but what would stop someone from paying an individual to go to jail for them? After the series of questions, I was told to go through a series of other locked doors and corridors, past the rows of holding cells with small window the size of a dinner plate to where, a room with a few rows of benches and cells along the walls where. There were about 20-25 people in there already. There were some pay phones and everyone watched as I found a seat among them. No one really talked, there was a small tv on mute with a show that seemed similar to Jerry springer format. On the far side of the room was a desk with an officer Doug paperwork, the fingerprinting machine and a window to where a nurse sat waiting if anyone needed medical attention. After about 2 hours of waiting I was called to take a mug shot and fingerprinting. The officer was asking why I was in there and what the charge was, I politely said " a mistake". He asked again and I said " I prefer not discuss it" asked if I arranged bail. Then back to my seat. The person right after me, the fingerprint machine broke down and would not restart. God is in. The details of our lives. They served a dinner of sorts, I wasnt going to eat it but the guy next to me gladly accepted my meal. I had to use the restroom, its exactly a metal bucket toilet in a closet. It was some vegetables some sort of meat and two pieces of bread. I went to the desk with the officer signed some paperwork, and he said it won't be too long. I waited for another hour and five of us was called to go to another room. This room thorough I could see the bail bondsmen whom I met earlier and knew the I was making bail. The officer was training someone new and it took longer than it should of been. But how glad was I to walk out that door and see the sun again. It's a feeling/experience I NEVER want to experience again. I wasnt as worried about as i was about my wife and son. More tomorrow
Just starting to write makes my emotion to wild. The pit in my stomach that I have grows to sickening depths. Guilt and fear consume and torture my soul.
My lawyer called today, saying that unbeknownst to her or the new DA, a warrant has been issued. I was preparing my class for the day, and she told me to go and turn myself in. I had a 75,000 dollar bond placed on me. I could arrange with a bondsmen and hopefully be released same day, but I was told to expect the worst and don't talk to anyone about why I was there. It felt as judgment day had come. I cannot express the emotions and impending doom I felt. I was genuinely scared. I still am genuinely scared. I called my dad with a name of a bondsmen my lawyer recommended. I lost was lost with fear and anxiety. I was not prepared for the sudden looming unknown territory of the other side of the law. After I called my dad I called my wife. I wasn't sure when I would be able to speak to her again. The thought of leaving my son and wife is unbearable. True hell. I got dressed up in dockers and and a button up shirt.
I arrange my items here at the home I am staying so they all were in one place for easy pick up if I did not return. I made my way down stairs to tell the person who I was staying with about what is happening. She is an amazing person, God truly placed me here so she could help me through this. She offered to come down with me and help me make bail, she even offered to pay it. She told me that we is familiar with the process and had done it before. She even had a family friend who was a bail bondsmen and would help us out. I called my dad and told him to cancel who Amy referred us to because K had a personal family friend.
I called my wife again and it was so hard to hang up with her. I can't bear the thought of leaving my wife and son, it torments my very being.
We drove to the bondsmen, and introduced myself, and he already knew my name. He had just gotten off the phone with my father, turns out it was the same guy my lawyer referred me to, and was the family friend of K. God is in details of our lives.
He said he would speed up the process and explain a little more what was going to happen. He said you never know what is going on in there and if someone is having a bad day or leaves their desk I could be in there for awhile. Especially the nature of the charge is one of the most despicable there is, especially on paper. They could refuse bail just to teach a lesson. This was never the crowd I was ever around, the last place I ever suspected to find myself. K and I talked as I drove, I was fighting so hard my emotions thinking about my wife and son, how my life is changing. I had to grasp the thought that this is a necessary step to being with my family again. K and I went inside the bail entrance, buzzed through and said I was turning myself in. There were a few other people in the waiting room, mostly waiting for people to get on bail. K chatted with them, talking about their tattoos and how she is getting one and such. They told me they were waiting for the warrants to come through, but we were told by the bail bondsmen that he already called and they said they already had them. We called him and asked about it, he called them to see what was the hold up. The sheriff came and got me after about an hour of waiting. The moment the door closed behind us, my freedom was gone. I was completely at their mercy. I never had my freedom taken away to such an astonishing degree before. I understand better why millions of men have fought and died for freedom. Freedom and liberty are concepts I better understand in relation to life, politics and the plan of salvation. The officer did a full body search. He missed my wallet, which I realized further in he process. We went through another set of double doors with intercoms. He took me to this desk and took down my information . One thing I thought strange was no personal ID or photo identification was needed. Maybe they already had it but, but what would stop someone from paying an individual to go to jail for them? After the series of questions, I was told to go through a series of other locked doors and corridors, past the rows of holding cells with small window the size of a dinner plate to where, a room with a few rows of benches and cells along the walls where. There were about 20-25 people in there already. There were some pay phones and everyone watched as I found a seat among them. No one really talked, there was a small tv on mute with a show that seemed similar to Jerry springer format. On the far side of the room was a desk with an officer Doug paperwork, the fingerprinting machine and a window to where a nurse sat waiting if anyone needed medical attention. After about 2 hours of waiting I was called to take a mug shot and fingerprinting. The officer was asking why I was in there and what the charge was, I politely said " a mistake". He asked again and I said " I prefer not discuss it" asked if I arranged bail. Then back to my seat. The person right after me, the fingerprint machine broke down and would not restart. God is in. The details of our lives. They served a dinner of sorts, I wasnt going to eat it but the guy next to me gladly accepted my meal. I had to use the restroom, its exactly a metal bucket toilet in a closet. It was some vegetables some sort of meat and two pieces of bread. I went to the desk with the officer signed some paperwork, and he said it won't be too long. I waited for another hour and five of us was called to go to another room. This room thorough I could see the bail bondsmen whom I met earlier and knew the I was making bail. The officer was training someone new and it took longer than it should of been. But how glad was I to walk out that door and see the sun again. It's a feeling/experience I NEVER want to experience again. I wasnt as worried about as i was about my wife and son. More tomorrow
Monday, January 21, 2013
Jan 21st
How do I feel today? Mixed. Emotion and logic collided. Emotion is overruling. Today a deadline of sorts was given. I struggle between selfish and logical solutions. It tears at my heart thinking about it. I have a hard writing about his right now, so many feelings and thoughts. I don't want to lose my family. I feel alone now, what will it be like then? But will it be a better situation for my wife and son?
I think the biggest resistance is not ever being able to see my son and wife. Right now I can see my wife for counseling and parenting classes. And I hope to be able to see my son for supervised visits ASAP. And with the move I have none of that until this is all over, and I do not know how long that is. It just breaks my soul thinking I will not be able to see them. But I want my son and wife to have the best. I want my son to be taken care of by a family member. I want my wife and son to be happy. I don't have the answers right now. Wish I did. Wish there was a easy simple solution, maybe there is but I don't know it. I love my family with all my heart and soul. I want to spend every moment with them. If it is here or elsewhere, I am fighting to strengthen and keep my family together. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I will kill myself by doing everything and anything to strengthen and keep our family together. I love them sooo much that I cannot describe or explain. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
I think the biggest resistance is not ever being able to see my son and wife. Right now I can see my wife for counseling and parenting classes. And I hope to be able to see my son for supervised visits ASAP. And with the move I have none of that until this is all over, and I do not know how long that is. It just breaks my soul thinking I will not be able to see them. But I want my son and wife to have the best. I want my son to be taken care of by a family member. I want my wife and son to be happy. I don't have the answers right now. Wish I did. Wish there was a easy simple solution, maybe there is but I don't know it. I love my family with all my heart and soul. I want to spend every moment with them. If it is here or elsewhere, I am fighting to strengthen and keep my family together. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I will kill myself by doing everything and anything to strengthen and keep our family together. I love them sooo much that I cannot describe or explain. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Jan 20th
Sundays are always hard. Trying to get the courage to go to church, alone. Seeing people with their families and little ones always brings tears to my eyes. The shame and guilt I feel is immense. I know where and with who I want and should be with. It tears my heart that I put my family in this situation. I hate going to church without my family. I have always assimilated church with family and good feelings. It got even better when my wife was by my side and then our son was born and he could come too. Church is hard. But I go because I know that I need it. I know that no matter how people judge me or how I feel temporarily, it is because I have righteous desires and I am repenting and changing.
Today after church I saw a video of my son jumping and playing and smiling like crazy. His mom would say his name look at her, recognize and smile. His grandma would say his name, look, recognize and smile. He looked so happy and content. But it it my heart to think that he doesn't know his dad. That I am not there to show my love for him. I am so limited in contact with my son. I cannot make him smile, or comfort him when he is crying, make him more comfortable by changing his diaper and what not. I used to be able to do that. Now he is going to be five months tomorrow, I hardly recognize him. He is so much more aware of his surroundings and interacting like I have never seen. This is not a dig at his grandma, she has sacrificed a lot of our family, but I hate the thought he knows his grandma more than is dad. I hate that she spends more time with him than I can. I wish it was opposite. It soul sucking that I cannot be with my family. This Sunday afternoon, I cannot be there. I should be there playing, taking care of him, cleaning, hugging and kissing on my wife, preparing a meal for them and just enjoying being with my family. But I am stuck here alone, having all these feelings that are not fun to say the least. It is truly hell. There is no distraction to dull or remove the pain and anguish. Just the hope and determination that this is not permanent, that this is not my destiny to be separated from the loves of my life. I cannot accept that future, it gives me great drive and hope that this hell can have an end. It gives me hope faith and stamina that although this is the hardest thing I have ever bad to endure, I can and will endure it for my wife and son. My greatest loves will be born through my greatest struggle.
I am grateful for my wife who still believes in me and our marriage. I am grateful that she believes and knows the atonement and the repentance is real. I am grateful for a son who is growing and developing and the joy is brings to our lives. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to be part of their lives even though I am miles away. I am grateful for so many things, hopefully one day I will be grateful for this experience because of the lessons I will learn and the better man, husband and father I will have become. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
Today after church I saw a video of my son jumping and playing and smiling like crazy. His mom would say his name look at her, recognize and smile. His grandma would say his name, look, recognize and smile. He looked so happy and content. But it it my heart to think that he doesn't know his dad. That I am not there to show my love for him. I am so limited in contact with my son. I cannot make him smile, or comfort him when he is crying, make him more comfortable by changing his diaper and what not. I used to be able to do that. Now he is going to be five months tomorrow, I hardly recognize him. He is so much more aware of his surroundings and interacting like I have never seen. This is not a dig at his grandma, she has sacrificed a lot of our family, but I hate the thought he knows his grandma more than is dad. I hate that she spends more time with him than I can. I wish it was opposite. It soul sucking that I cannot be with my family. This Sunday afternoon, I cannot be there. I should be there playing, taking care of him, cleaning, hugging and kissing on my wife, preparing a meal for them and just enjoying being with my family. But I am stuck here alone, having all these feelings that are not fun to say the least. It is truly hell. There is no distraction to dull or remove the pain and anguish. Just the hope and determination that this is not permanent, that this is not my destiny to be separated from the loves of my life. I cannot accept that future, it gives me great drive and hope that this hell can have an end. It gives me hope faith and stamina that although this is the hardest thing I have ever bad to endure, I can and will endure it for my wife and son. My greatest loves will be born through my greatest struggle.
I am grateful for my wife who still believes in me and our marriage. I am grateful that she believes and knows the atonement and the repentance is real. I am grateful for a son who is growing and developing and the joy is brings to our lives. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to be part of their lives even though I am miles away. I am grateful for so many things, hopefully one day I will be grateful for this experience because of the lessons I will learn and the better man, husband and father I will have become. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
Jan 19th
It's dark, I'm alone in this house. I terribly miss my family. I can never shake the feeling how alone I feel. All I want to to be with my wife and son. They are all I ever think about. I can't wait to the day where I do not feel alone. That there are no restrictions of when where and why I can see my family. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
Monday, January 14, 2013
Jan 14th
First day if school. First day of another career. Two months since I have seen my son. The latter hurts the worse. I have been a wreck. It feels like it has been a year. But saying or thinking it has only been two months make it seem as time has slowed, but at the same time kills me thinking I have not seen my son for two complete months. Almost half of his life. Pictures and video take a small edge of but I long to hold him and tell him how much I love him. I want to see his smile again. I want to make baby faces and baby talk. I just want to be with my family again. It's cruel punishment. I know that I cannot be with him right now for his safety. But it doesn't stop my heart and soul from loving and missing them. It was never a malicious act. That is not me. I fel so ashamed and disgraced that I could ever do anything like that. I think I was the most surprised and hurt of anyone. I cannot allow one moment to define me or my character. I must learn and resolve my stress to strengthen my character. I love my family too much to lose them because of my weakness. They mean everything to me. It has been two months since I have seen my son and almost four weeks wife I have seen my wife. Every minute hurts that I am not allowed to see them. A broken heart is a cruel punishment.
I am grateful that tomorrow I will see my wife. We are attending a counseling session. I wish I could see my son also but i will take anything I can get right now. My wife mean so much to me, she is the best mother for my child. There is no one else I trust completely to raise him. I wish I could be there. And I will but it will not be as soon as I want. I love her soo much and wish I could do more for her and my son. Enrolling in classes and finding a job will help me fill the desire but it will be sorely inadequate. But it will have to do for now.
I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
I am grateful that tomorrow I will see my wife. We are attending a counseling session. I wish I could see my son also but i will take anything I can get right now. My wife mean so much to me, she is the best mother for my child. There is no one else I trust completely to raise him. I wish I could be there. And I will but it will not be as soon as I want. I love her soo much and wish I could do more for her and my son. Enrolling in classes and finding a job will help me fill the desire but it will be sorely inadequate. But it will have to do for now.
I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
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