Dec 14th

One month. I have not seen my son for one long month. He is almost four months old. Everyday away from him is so hard. I know it is hard on my wife also. There is nothing I can do for them. I have led my life to avoid this situation. I kept myself chaste for all my life. I lived the commandments as best as I could. I wanted to raise a traditional family. I  wanted to find the love of my life. I wanted to wait until we were married to have sexual relations. I wanted my children born into a good family. I never never thought that I would have to leave my family. I did everything I could so that my children would be raised by a mom and dad who were committed and loved each other. I have seen how separation and divorce have affected my friends' lives. I have seen what problems it causes. I was determined to never have that happen to my children. I found a woman who I wanted to spend eternity with and raise my children. But here I sit, alone. My son does not have a father. A quarter of his short life he does not have a dad around. What agony and pain it causes my soul. I feel like I am a disappointment. I am not the father/dad I needed/wanted to be to him. I feel like a failure. I cannot express adequately how I feel. Dejected, failure, terrible, alone.  But I am not a quitter. I still feel that I can be the father I need/want to be. It will be a lot harder. Each day way not makes feel worse about the situation, it fuel my desire to be better. My son is MY SON. I will not be that dad. I will be the father who is always there for him. I want to be there for every moment of his life. I do not want to miss a minute.
In my nursing program other fathers like to joke around how becoming a father is terrible. Every story that they recounted, I thought how different I felt. I was super excited to be a father. I couldn't wait to get back to my son and wife. I liked the menial tasks that parenthood comes with. I liked giving him baths. I liked changing diapers. I liked swaddling him up. I liked to watch him eat, and not just on the boob either. I liked putting him into the carseat to go somewhere. I liked to watch him sleep. I liked watching him make faces. I liked getting him to smile. I sometimes enjoyed trying to figure out why he was fussy, it was kinda like a puzzle. It was all worth it. He is ours. He is mine. My love for him has not diminished, it has grown exponentially.
My heart is broken because I am away from him and his mom. Making my feeling all the more tender towards them. I am looking foward to all the moments in his life. I want to pack him up and take him on hikes and camping. When he utters his first words. The potty training. The terrible twos and terrifying threes. To teaching all the things boys do. I will be there to read him bedtime stories and help him learn to pray. To his first birthday party, to riding a tricyle for the first time. I will be there to teach him how to run, kick a ball, shoot a basket,throw a ball and cast a fishing pole. I will be there for the times he is good and bad. I want to be there for his baptism, receiving the priesthood, his first date, high school graduation, mission farewell and homecoming, when he brings home the girl he loves, shows off his child to their grandparents, and every moment in between  I do not want to miss anything. I want to be a guide, mentor, father and friend. I want him to have the best. This trial of mine is not making me shrink for my responsibilities, duty, dreams and hopes as his father. It only deepens and strengthens my resolve and desire. I have not had the start I wanted and wished. I cannot believe that I am in the position I am in. But I will never give up on my family. I will never give up on my son. I will never give up on my wife. That is the definition of family. That is the definition of me. They mean everything to me and there is nothing I will not do for them. This trial has only exposed and deepened my feelings towards them. I will not let my weaknesses destroy my family. I will be there for them. It will be a process, but it is worth everything I have and will go through to be able to be with them. I will be a provider and supporter of my family. I will be a worthy a priesthood holder for them. I will be the father/husband I need/want to be. My resolve is deep and strong. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

I want to add what I read today in Alma 29.Alma is praising God and wishing he was angel so convince everyone what the right thing to do is. But he cant because he realizes that it takes away people's free agency. When someone is forced to do what is right, true happiness is not available. God gave us agency for according our own will we can choose salvation or destruction. God wants us to chose salvation, he will do everything short of forcing us to chose and do the right things. I think about this situation I find myself in. There are forces trying to destroy me and my family. But in the face of this adversary, I am trying to do what is right. Not because I'm being forced to, I want and chose to. I am compelling myself. I am trying to chose salvation in the face of adversity. My will is to do what is right. I want to repent. I want to change. I want to be with my family. I want to provide from them and be a righteous husband and father. It would be easier not to, but that is not what I want. My family and my salvation is worth all the suffering, pain, agony, embarrassment and guilt. I want to be with my wife and son. It gives me hope that I am on the right path. My will is to return to God and my family. God will help me get there. He is watching over me as I go through the refiner's fire. I need to go through the fire. I will become a better father and husband. I liked verse 17, eventually that is my goal, to get my family back to kingdom of God so "they go no more out". But right now I am fighting for my family. I am fighting for their trust and love. I am fighting to return to them. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever