Jan 31st

This post is about Jan 28th

Just starting to write makes my emotion to wild. The pit in my stomach that I have grows to sickening depths. Guilt and fear consume and torture my soul.
My lawyer called today, saying that unbeknownst to her or the new DA, a warrant has been issued. I was preparing my class for the day, and she told me to go and turn myself in. I had a 75,000 dollar bond placed on me. I could arrange with a bondsmen and hopefully be released same day, but I was told to expect the worst and don't talk to anyone about why I was there. It felt as judgment day had come. I cannot express the emotions and impending doom I felt. I was genuinely scared. I still am genuinely scared. I called my dad with a name of a bondsmen my lawyer recommended. I lost was lost with fear and anxiety. I was not prepared for the sudden looming unknown territory of the other side of the law. After I called my dad I called my wife. I wasn't sure when I would be able to speak to her again. The thought of leaving my son and wife is unbearable. True hell. I got dressed up in dockers and and a button up shirt.
I arrange my items here at the home I am staying so they all were in one place for easy pick up if I did not return. I made my way down stairs to tell the person who I was staying with about what is happening. She is an amazing person, God truly placed me here so she could help me through this. She offered to come down with me and help me make bail, she even offered to pay it. She told me that we is familiar with the process and had done it before. She even had a family friend who was a bail bondsmen and would help us out. I called my dad and told him to cancel who Amy referred us to because K had a personal family friend.
I called my wife again and it was so hard to hang up with her. I can't bear the thought of leaving my wife and son, it torments my very being.
We drove to the bondsmen, and introduced myself, and he already knew my name. He had just gotten off the phone with my father, turns out it was the same guy my lawyer referred me to, and was the family friend of K. God is in details of our lives.
He said he would speed up the process and explain a little more what was going to happen. He said you never know what is going on in there and if someone is having a bad day or leaves their desk I could be in there for awhile. Especially the nature of the charge is one of the most despicable there is, especially on paper. They could refuse bail just to teach a lesson. This was never the crowd I was ever around, the last place I ever suspected to find myself. K and I talked as I drove, I was fighting so hard my emotions thinking about my wife and son, how my life is changing. I had to grasp the thought that this is a necessary step to being with my family again. K and I went inside the bail entrance, buzzed through and said I was turning myself in. There were a few other people in the waiting room, mostly waiting for people to get on bail. K chatted with them, talking about their tattoos and how she is getting one and such. They told me they were waiting for the warrants to come through, but we were told by the bail bondsmen that he already called and they said they already had them. We called him and asked about it, he called them to see what was the hold up. The sheriff came and got me after about an hour of waiting. The moment the door closed behind us, my freedom was gone. I was completely at their mercy. I never had my freedom taken away to such an astonishing degree before. I understand better why millions of men have fought and died for freedom. Freedom and liberty are concepts I better understand in relation to life, politics and the plan of salvation. The officer did a full body search. He missed my wallet, which I realized further in he process. We went through another set of double doors with intercoms. He took me to this desk and took down my information . One thing I thought strange was no personal ID or photo identification was needed. Maybe they already had it but, but what would stop someone from paying an individual to go to jail for them? After the series of questions, I was told to go through a series of other locked doors and corridors, past the rows of holding cells with small window the size of a dinner plate to where, a room with a few rows of benches and cells along the walls where. There were about 20-25 people in there already. There were some pay phones and everyone watched as I found a seat among them. No one really talked, there was a small tv on mute with a show that seemed similar to Jerry springer format. On the far side of the room was a desk with an officer Doug paperwork, the fingerprinting machine and a window to where a nurse sat waiting if anyone needed medical attention. After about 2 hours of waiting I was called to take a mug shot and fingerprinting. The officer was asking why I was in there and what the charge was, I politely said " a mistake". He asked again and I said " I prefer not discuss it" asked if I arranged bail. Then back to my seat. The person right after me, the fingerprint machine broke down and would not restart. God is in. The details of our lives. They served a dinner of sorts, I wasnt going to eat it but the guy next to me gladly accepted my meal. I had to use the restroom, its exactly a metal bucket toilet in a closet. It was some vegetables some sort of meat and two pieces of bread. I went to the desk with the officer signed some paperwork, and he said it won't be too long. I waited for another hour and five of us was called to go to another room. This room thorough I could see the bail bondsmen whom I met earlier and knew the I was making bail. The officer was training someone new and it took longer than it should of been. But how glad was I to walk out that door and see the sun again. It's a feeling/experience I NEVER want to experience again. I wasnt as worried about as i was about my wife and son. More tomorrow

Jan 21st

How do I feel today? Mixed. Emotion and logic collided. Emotion is overruling. Today a deadline of sorts was given. I struggle between selfish and logical solutions. It tears at my heart thinking about it. I have a hard writing about his right now, so many feelings and thoughts. I don't want to lose my family. I feel alone now, what will it be like then? But will it be a better situation for my wife and son?
I think the biggest resistance is not ever being able to see my son and wife. Right now I can see my wife for counseling and parenting classes. And I hope to be able to see my son for supervised visits ASAP. And with the move I have none of that until this is all over, and I do not know how long that is. It just breaks my soul thinking I will not be able to see them. But I want my son and wife to have the best. I want my son to be taken care of by a family member. I want my wife and son to be happy. I don't have the answers right now. Wish I did. Wish there was a easy simple solution, maybe there is but I don't know it. I love my family with all my heart and soul. I want to spend every moment with them. If it is here or elsewhere, I am fighting to strengthen and keep my family together. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I will kill myself by doing everything and anything to strengthen and keep our family together. I love them sooo much that I cannot describe or explain. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Jan 20th

Sundays are always hard. Trying to get the courage to go to church, alone. Seeing people with their families and little ones always brings tears to my eyes. The shame and guilt I feel is immense. I know where and with who I want and should be with. It tears my heart that I put my family in this situation. I hate going to church without my family. I have always assimilated church with family and good feelings. It got even better when my wife was by my side and then our son was born and he could come too. Church is hard. But I go because I know that I need it. I know that no matter how people judge me or how I feel temporarily, it is because I have righteous desires and I am repenting and changing.
Today after church I saw a video of my son jumping and playing and smiling like crazy. His mom would say his name look at her, recognize and smile. His grandma would say his name, look, recognize and smile. He looked so happy and content. But it it my heart to think that he doesn't know his dad. That I am not there to show my love for him. I am so limited in contact with my son. I cannot make him smile, or comfort him when he is crying, make him more comfortable by changing his diaper and what not. I used to be able to do that. Now he is going to be five months tomorrow, I hardly recognize him. He is so much more aware of his surroundings and interacting like I have never seen. This is not a dig at his grandma, she has sacrificed a lot of our family, but I hate the thought he knows his grandma more than is dad. I hate that she spends more time with him than I can. I wish it was opposite. It soul sucking that I cannot be with my family. This Sunday afternoon, I cannot be there. I should be there playing, taking care of him, cleaning, hugging and kissing on my wife, preparing a meal for them and just enjoying being with my family. But I am stuck here alone, having all these feelings that are not fun to say the least. It is truly hell. There is no distraction to dull or remove the pain and anguish. Just the hope and determination that this is not permanent, that this is not my destiny to be separated from the loves of my life. I cannot accept that future, it gives me great drive and hope that this hell can have an end. It gives me hope faith and stamina that although this is the hardest thing I have ever bad to endure, I can and will endure it for my wife and son. My greatest loves will be born through my greatest struggle.
I am grateful for my wife who still believes in me and our marriage. I am grateful that she believes and knows the atonement and the repentance is real. I am grateful for a son who is growing and developing and the joy is brings to our lives. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to be part of their lives even though I am miles away. I am grateful for so many things, hopefully one day I will be grateful for this experience because of the lessons I will learn and the better man, husband and father I will have become. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Jan 19th

It's dark, I'm alone in this house. I terribly miss my family. I can never shake the feeling how alone I feel. All I want to to be with my wife and son. They are all I ever think about. I can't wait to the day where I do not feel alone. That there are no restrictions of when where and why I can see my family. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Jan 14th

First day if school. First day of another career. Two months since I have seen my son. The latter hurts the worse. I have been a wreck. It feels like it has been a year. But saying or thinking it has only been two months make it seem as time has slowed, but at the same time kills me thinking I have not seen my son for two complete months. Almost half of his life. Pictures and video take a small edge of but I long to hold him and tell him how much I love him. I want to see his smile again. I want to make baby faces and baby talk. I just want to be with my family again. It's cruel punishment. I know that I cannot be with him right now for his safety. But it doesn't stop my heart and soul from loving and missing them. It was never a malicious act. That is not me. I fel so ashamed and disgraced that I could ever do anything like that. I think I was the most surprised and hurt of anyone. I cannot allow one moment to define me or my character. I must learn and resolve my stress to strengthen my character. I love my family too much to lose them because of my weakness. They mean everything to me. It has been two months since I have seen my son and almost four weeks wife I have seen my wife. Every minute hurts that I am not allowed to see them. A broken heart is a cruel punishment.
I am grateful that tomorrow I will see my wife. We are attending a counseling session. I wish I could see my son also but i will take anything I can get right now. My wife mean so much to me, she is the best mother for my child. There is no one else I trust completely to raise him. I wish I could be there. And I will but it will not be as soon as I want. I love her soo much and wish I could do more for her and my son. Enrolling in classes and finding a job will help me fill the desire but it will be sorely inadequate. But it will have to do for now.
I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Jan 12th

Today has been another slow day. I spent most of my time looking for classes to take starting Monday. Probably Mary classes or two and small business class. Since nursing might not be an option, opening a business of some sort has always appealed to me. I have no idea what. I have thought the idea of a plasma center, as a side business to opening family practice. But looking at my options, it's hard to know what I want to do. I like the medical field, never thought of any other career field. Engineering maybe. I don't know. Math however will probably part of any other degree plan, in high school I looked into the biomedical engineering degree. I took those tests to see what my interest and personality would be suited for and that was one of the top results. We will see. Ran a few errands. Helped my wife with her program. Wished I could see her and Calvin. Rewatched all the movies she has sent me of him. He has grown so much. I am missing so much. It hurts to think what I am missing. I gives me more desire not to miss more than I have to. Makes me want to change and repent so that I am worthy and ready to be with them again. I miss them so much. I wish I could do more and start doing those things required of me. This probationary state is terrible, waiting and doing nothing. Basically a timeout, until my punishment is determined and I can start serving it. The probationary state is probably the worse part because I am not any closer to being with my family. I love them so much. I cannot express even in the slightest how I feel and worry about them. How I want to start my punishment so I can do and get closer to them. I want feel as everyday I am becoming closer them. I want to do, not wait.
I just miss them dearly. I sit here in this house, I feel as thought I am here physically but mentally and emotionally at our home. My thoughts are always wondered and wishing I was with my son and wife. Wondering what thy are doing. What they are thinking. Are they thinking of me? Are they okay? Do they need anything? What is my son doing? What would they be doing if I was there? Do they miss me? What can I do for them? What is my wife doing?
I miss knowing these menial things. I miss being a part of their everyday lives. I just miss and love them with my whole being. I hate being away and alienated from them.
I will do everything and everything I can to be with them again. They are worth everyday of hell I this probationary state and any punishment and consequence I will go through if I can be with them again. They mean everything to me. I hope I still mean something to them. Enough not to forget about me and not give up hope on me. I am doing everything I can. I want and desire to do more to bring our family together. I have the deepest desire to change and be a better father husband and person. I want that and will prove that. I have a lot of potential to do good and I need to actualize it. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Jan 10th

Last night was spent in another unfamiliar bed. It was the last day to spend at oh home before my wife and son came home from their vacation. It was super hard to leave. The last few hours were spent in tears. Trying to remember and soak in their presence. It was hard to think about that in a few hours their beautiful faces would grace our home and I would not be there to greet them. It felt like I was leaving them for a second time. I miss them to the core of my bones. I want to hold and hug them and tell them how much I love them and would do anything for them. The last two weeks that home was filled with my love, sorrow, guilt, hope, pain, service and tears. Everywhere I looked I saw my wife and son, either by picture or memory. I felt as though it was sacred ground. I did not want leave. I did not want to leave the bed where my wife lays her head. I wanted to stay and receive them in my arms. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare with my wife in my arms. I miss and love them so much. I wish there was an adequate way to show them how I feel, words uttered or written are so inadequate. I feel so limited.

Returning to the home I am staying at was somewhat familiar . That night I felt stark reality hit me as I pulled up to their house. I felt the weight return of loneliness and dread. Being in our home took the edge off, now here I am hardly closer to my family. I have to remember days like this that I am one day closer to being with my family. I wish I could do more to prove and return to them.

Today I worked out with my nursing program about not returning to this semester with the possibility of continuing in the fall. It was hard decision to make, four years of preparing and planning my career and how I was going to support my family, put on hold or canceled. All that hard work, for nothing. God took me on this path, I don't know why, but I have to have faith that another path will appear how I am to support my family. It's hard to see all that work to down the drain, there is a slim chance I can still go down but right now I do not see that happening.
We have been reading scriptures and praying together. It was something I knew we should be doing better I dreaded it for whatever reason. Now I am anxiously waiting until we can read and pray. It brightens my day and brings peace and hope to me. A high point of my days! I am grateful for the things I can do to draw closer to God and family. I awaiting anxiously to do more. I am grateful for my deep and profound love for my wife and son. That it is my deepest desire to be with my family again. That I want to fight for my family instead of giving up and walking away. It gives me hope and faith that I am still a good person who has righteous desires. That I made a mistake and I want to fix it and strengthen my weaknesses. That there is hope for me and that trough this hell I can learn and become a better husband father and person. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4evef

Jan 8th

After many attempts to write this one will be posted. I have tried to write but either my words were cut short or my phone deleted my writings before I saved the posts.
Tonight is the last night I will spend in our home. It has been a blessing and a curse to stay here. Overall it has been a big blessing. It has take the edge of reality for a moment. It has given he a false sense of security, there are moments when any minds believe any second my wife and son are going to walk through that door and this nightmare will be over. I am surrounded by our things in our home. I am where I am supposed to be. I am where I need to be. I am where I want to be. This should never of happened, and I am determined to make this situation right. It will be difficult to leave again, being alone in a strange place. Not laying my head down next to where my wife head should be. But it will be comforting to know that my family is close to me again. That they are where they are supposed to be, waiting for me to do what I need to do to change and repent so that I can walk in that door again. I know life will never be as it was. It will be different, but I can chose what that difference is. For better or worse. I chose better. I want m life to be different for the better and with my family again. I love them so much! This is cut short. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever!