Dec 2nd

Today started early. I did not sleep much the night before. So eight came early. I attended the Bryan ward. It was fast Sunday. The last three weeks have felt like fast sunday. Church was good, I feel alienated cause going to church has always been assimilated with family. And going alone is tough and lonely. No wonder young single adults have a tough time getting to church. It is completely different experience.

After church I went to Barnes and Noble again. I did not know where else to go. I was able to read and think. I do that a lot lately. I also worked on adding to my 24 list. I was reading the lds addiction recovery book. I don't feel that I'm addicted to pornography, but I'm sure that's what any alcoholic would say. I have dealt with it in high school. Once I confessed I did not have any relapses. I quit it cold turkey. Before I confessed it was easy to say, " I've done this before, what is one more time?" But once I confessed one more time was unacceptable and gave me the will and determination not to do it again. If I did do it again then I would have to start all over and confess again. It was pretty easy to stop. This time I hope it's the same. I confessed and now I have a reason and will power to stop. I think where I'll be tempted the most is my thoughts. I am glad that since my mission I have worked really hard on learning to control my thoughts. I'm not perfect but if I'm not complacent andstay busy I will overcome this.I must use the atonement. I am not taking any chances to ever have to deal with this again, thus why I am at the addiction classes. I want to repent and change and willing to do everything I must to rid myself of it.

The class was good, it was two of us with a member called as a missionary to teach the class. It was cathartic to hear that I'm not the only one struggling. He was a super nice guy. But he explained to me that this is something that is usually dark and secretive that when we openly talked about it and bring it to light that a lot of its power to removed. The more we talk openly and honestly it's power is gone. It's strength in I. The hiding and secret life, but once it's brought out into the light, it cannot retain its hold. I thought that explanation was good. It was kinda embarrassing and hard to explain what is going on to complete strangers. But I'm glad I went and will go again. I want this sin gone and am taking no chances of it ever disrupting my life or those I love. I'm not worried about me, I know I can repent. It's my wife that I have hurt. She tries to blame herself. But that is not the truth. She was innocent and still is. I hope she knows that. I have a lot to prove to her that my perception of how attracted I am to her has not changed. In the light of all things considered, I have never been more attracted to her. I hope that she can forgive me. I hope I can earn her trust back. I hope that that I can rebuild her self esteem and self worth that I destroyed. I want that chance to prove myself to her.

I talked to my bishop. He is a man of God. He knows the guilt and shame that I feel. He showed me love and support. He gave me hope that I can change, repent and be worthy to be with my family again. He asked me to do some things that will help me. He asked if I was an honest tithe payer. I told him yes but we might be behind a few checks. He showed me in Malachi 3 where if we faithful tithe payers he will give us so many blessings that we cannot have them all. God has already blessed me with a beautiful wife. He gave me a precious son. He protected Him. He made sure that my wife and son would be together again. What more can I ask for? The verse following I enjoyed.

"11 And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts"

Three blessings come from faithful tithing. One rebuke the devoured. God will protect us from temptations and help us resist the buffetings of the adversary. Second, he will not destroy my livelihood. He will watch my family while I'm gone. And provide protection. Third, he is in the details of my life. He knows when and where I am in need. He knows when things need to be given and taken away. He will be there when I need him. If he is not it is because He has trust in me that I can do it. But He is there when I do need Him. Bishop likened it to helping the elderly up out of a chair, you don't have to lift them up by yourself every time. But usually a little help can make a whole lot of difference for that person. He expressed his love for me and will support me in whatever he can. He also made sure that I had hope. I told him that my biggest worry was not what was going to happen to me but to my wife and son. I expressed to him my desire to repent and change so I can be with them. He told me my wife is an amazing individual, that I am so lucky to have had her in my life. That she truly believes in the atonement. That I need to have faith in her and the atonement and repentance process and have faith in God's will is right. He gave me a blessing, it echoed a lot of what my dads blessing was. The priesthood is real. God lives and directs His servants and is in the details of our lives. I need to sleep for I have a busy day tomorrow. I love my wife. I love my son. I am repenting and working towards returning to them one day. 2/4 ever