I can tell you that right now that they will never be taken for granted again. If I have to live like this for months my feelings for them will have changed. The few weeks away my family have worn my heart out. I cant imagine what months are going to do. My love and feelings for them are getting battered. I have never been so emotional and cried so much ever in my life. They occupy my thoughts in everything I do. I guess my love and feelings are getting tenderized. My heart is breaking for them. Its getting smashed. I wish I had the capacity and language to truly communicate how sorry I am and how much I love them. Its beyond description. I was not aware of the depth of love and concern I have for those two. Its not puppy love, or a crush, superficial, or even love" til death do us part". It is so deep and intertwined in my soul, I just cant find a concept or words to express it. Saying or thinking "I love my wife/son" seems incomplete. That why this situation I put myself in hurts so profoundly . I have torn my family away from me. I know that my wife loves me. I know she probably still has feelings for me. I am not the only one suffering and hurting from missing my family, she is too. I have known her for almost a third of my life. I knew that I wanted to marry her for six years. I have known she was going to be the only woman I would ever love for five years. I know that for at least three years she has only loved me. And I tore myself away from her. I tore the love of her life away. I caused the same thing to my son. He has only been on earth for two months. He has two people who love him so unconditionally and completely, I took both of them away from him at one point. God made sure to give him at least one back, for the moment.
My soul is broken. All I have is hope and love. I never knew how powerful those forces are. I read them all the time in the scriptures. God is love. God loves His children. We must have a perfect brightness of hope. I never grasped that love and hope is not just an emotion, it is a force. What is God not willing to do for His children? Nothing!! Its because of His love for us. His capacity to love is so much more than ours and its a perfect love.
I cannot imagine love deeper than what I have for my wife and son. But I thought that when we got married. I thought that the day Calvin was born. It continues to grow and expand. The last few weeks has shown me the immensity and depth of my love towards them. There is absolutely nothing I would not do for them.
I cannot imagine love deeper than what I have for my wife and son. But I thought that when we got married. I thought that the day Calvin was born. It continues to grow and expand. The last few weeks has shown me the immensity and depth of my love towards them. There is absolutely nothing I would not do for them.
The desire and drive I have to correct what I have done is immense. There is nothing in hell or earth that can stop me from doing what I need to do to return to my family. I know that the process requires me to change. To learn how to deal with stress. How to control my emotions and frustrations. I want to do it. I have work I need to do with myself. I want to do it. I never want a remote chance of anything like this happening again. I want my family to be able to trust me again. I want to be able to trust myself again. I want them to love me again.
Over Thanksgiving break, I could not bring myself to hold my niece. I could not. Just looking into her face caused me so much pain because all I could think about was my son. I am so grateful to God that He protected my son. I will never stop being grateful. I cannot bear the thought that something could have happened to him. God knows that I could never live with myself. He is so perfect and innocent, and He watched over him that night. God knew that it was not in my character to do anything like that. God gave me courage to come clean, even though I knew there would be severe consequences for me. I am grateful for my son. I hope one day he will forgive me. I hope that one day he will say that he still loves me. I hope that one day my wife will forgive me. I hope that one day she she will look into my eyes and say, " have I told you that I love you today?"
Long days are to come, as I head to the valley and eventually start up, I will use my love and hope as my drive and motivation to press forward. I know that climbing a mountain takes time. I know reaching the valley will not happen overnight. But why do these things. Why do I love climbing mountains? Its the hope that at the top it will be worth the effort. I know that my wife and son are worth every tear, hardship, suffering, pain, embarrassment, task and effort it will take to reach the top of my mountain. Nothing in life matters more to me than family. I will use this mountain to prove they are and will always be my number one priority. I know it will be difficult for them, they have their own challenges and trials. I hope that see their patience with me will be worth it. I hope that when I get to the top, they are not underwhelmed or disappointed. I hope they will see what I have done to become their father and husband. That I climbed up from hell and became a better father, husband and person for them. I love my son. I love my wife. 2/4ever
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