Dec 6th

No headache! I found some sleep last night. Woke up this morning and started to study. It much easier without of headache. There was a lot of material to cover. Jamming three weeks of info into a few hours. I did we'll enough to pass. I'm just tying to survive at this point. I'm not sure if ill be able to continue becoming a nurse, but at this point I'm still working towards it. This break coming up I hope to find out if I need a career change. I do not know. At this point I my life there is so much up in the air that I can't make the progress I want to make. It's kinda frustrating. I want to start doing things to make the situation right. I want to start showing my actions. I want to start doing those things required of me. I want to start working towards change. I want to start the process of seeing my son and wife again. But I must be patient, it's so hard cause I want to start now. I want to know what I need to do. I want to restart my life again. I want to make amends.

After the test I attended my other appointment, I was kind of intimidated. I had no idea what to expect. It went better than I thought. I was then going to go to areofit but it was super crowded, so I went to barnes and noble for awhile then decided to head to bed.
I have been reading in Alma 18-21. It is when Ammon and Lamoni take a journey to free Ammon's brethern. Along the way they meet Lamoni father, who is angry that his son is with a Nephite. Lamoni tries to kill Ammon, Ammon wins and the king amazingly start to like Ammon. He frees Ammon's brethren. The next chapter Aaron recounts his story. Aaron drew the short stick. He struggled mightily during his mission. He was chased out, thrown in prison, they mocked him and "suffered many things". He was just as good if not a better missionary, but he did not have the same success. Why? Why did God send Aaron to the most wicked people?
As I thought about Aaron, a scripture kept coming to mind, " know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."
I must use this experience to make myself better. It was a terrible thing I did. There were no excuses. But I must learn from it. I must change. I must use it to make myself better. The guilt, shame and love for my son motivates me to become better. I will do anything I can to change. I want to become a better father, husband and person. Life is full of trials. I hope that this is the biggest trial I will ever face, alone. I have always imagined that when trials would come, it would be us vs. them. Alyssa and I vs. the world. Then came Calvin, Alyssa and I vs. the world. I was certain that we could overcome anything. I could do anything if my family was there by my side. I never imagined divided. That is what families are for. Strength, love, support through everything. God gave us families to make us stronger. God gave us families so we can find true happiness. I married my wife because I love her. I wanted to be there for her when times in her life got tough. I knew she would be there for me. I wanted to start a family with her because I knew we offered something special for our children. I wanted nothing more than to raise a family with the love of my life. I imagined us having lots of kids. A whole mess of them. I even imagined that our first born was a boy ever since I could remember. I did not see us wealthy, but comfortable and happy. I wanted to play referee to our kids arguments  I wanted to wrestle with them before bedtime. I wanted to chase them down and put them to bed every night. I still want a lot of kids. I still want that. I still want that family that I imagined. I just need to get through this trial and learn from it. This is probably why it hurts so much. I want to be a great dad. I did not hurt a random stranger. I hurt someone who I love. Someone who I imagined my whole life. It kills me to think of what I did. I know I did not make a choice, but how could I do that to someone who I have I have been waiting for my whole life? The look I saw in my wife eyes as I told her....indescribable. I never want to see that image again. But I see it everyday.
I knew it would not be easy being a parent, but I never imagined this. I could never dream that it would be this hard. I really have to fight to have the family I imagined. I am not only fighting for my wife and son, but any future children. I am fighting for them all. I can become the father and husband I need to be. I can repent. I can seek out my sons and wife forgiveness. I can have my family back. But it will be a fight. I will do everything I can to have my family back. I know the court and law will require me to do certain things, I will do them. But even if they were not involved, I am motivated to do all that I can to change. I will fight for my eternal family. They are worth the pain, suffering and time.
I do not have a lot to do tomorrow. Probably read Life Everlasting. Eat something. Write more. Repent. Dream of my family. Wish I was with them. Hoping they are doing great. Hoping that one day I will have my family back. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Tomorrow I will be reading Alma 22,23