Dec 23rd

Today I ran some errands with the family I am staying with. I went to a Texas A&M basketball game today, I think he get season tickets to the games, Texas A&M are terrible this year. They lost the game to Southern, a school from Baton Rouge. It was fun to get and watch a live basketball game, I like it cause I can watch the referees too. I found out they had a classical guitar lying around. I downloaded a guitar chromatic app to tune the guitar and tried to remember some of the songs I learned from my mission. Only remember part of one and have forgotten all the rest. It will be something to do, relearning chords and such in all the time that I have.
Today I have been feeling weird. I dont know what I expect from this situation. I cant help feel like I am forgotten already, something I dread. I dont know how to explain it so let me try. I feel like the more time that passes, the less relevant and easier to forget I become. Kind of like out of sight, out of mind. My rational side says that my wife is super busy and has a lot of other responsibilities and stresses going on right now with work, school, finding a new job, etc. I can understand all of that. I know that my son
and his caring and rearing must take priority over me. I know that is not on purpose and she is trying to do the best that she can. She is doing a marvelous job. She is the most talented person I know. If anyone can be super mom it is her. She is incredible. I am not trying to pass judgement or make her feel guilty. This is really me trying to sort out how I feel. I cannot help how I feel. I am trying to understand it and try to take out the irrational thoughts and feelings. I am trying work through what I am feeling. Please take it with a grain of salt. I just want to be honest with myself so that I can work through this and not have to feel like this. I do not want to feel like I am being forgotten and somehow it is someone's fault. I know that I am not, but it is how I am feeling and I want to get rid of those thoughts and recognize that they are not true.
My wife worked last night, meaning she had to sleep during the day to prepare to stay up all night. I do not wish to call or text her while sleeping cause I know sleep is a rare commodity. I do not want to wake her up if she is sleeping. I also do not want to take her away from caring for my son so I chose to let her call and text me on her time, then I know she has a few minutes for me. Yesterday I did not hear from her until she was driving to work. Which I enjoy. Then last night she was super busy with work and crazy patients. A few texts were passed, understandably. Then today I did not hear a single thing from her, sometimes she texts me as she leaves work. But come 6h00 I still have not heard a single thing from her. I knew she had to be up cause of our son and such. I began to wonder and send a text. And when I wonder, my imagination goes wild. 8h00 comes and still nothing. So I call, it goes to voicemail but it is full. I kinda start to worry. So I text her mom. Nothing. I call her mom. Nothing. I call my wife again. Nothing. I text her sister to see if she had talked to her today. She says no. Then I am worried. I hate feeling helpless. I hate the idea of my family in trouble. I hate that I can do nothing for them. I do not know if something happen. If my wife was mad at me. If I did something. If something changed. If she changed her mind and swore me off. I have no idea. I pray for comfort and their safety. I cannot help but worry about them. Especially when I have to be so far away from them and I am helpless to help them. I hate it. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate that my actions have caused this. I hate that I cannot be a husband and father. I hate feeling worthless and alone. I hate feeling unwanted and unloved. I hate it.
Finally she calls, saying her phone was on silent and they are running errands and will call me later. I feel better that they are safe. Then the adversary puts all these thoughts into my head that if I didnt call or text saying I was worried would she ever of called? These thoughts come and I try to push them out. I have my list I made of things that give me hope. I read it when these thoughts and feelings come. It helps me to realize that they are not true. It is a constant battle to re-remind myself.  I struggle with self confidence, especially right now. Its hard for me to see anything worthwhile in me. Why anyone still wants me. And if I feel this way, what does she think and feel. Here it is almost 12 and I still have not heard anything from her.

I cannot help but worry what will happen when they move to Utah. I have this selfish desire to keep them here. I want to be able when the time comes to have supervised visits with my son. I want to be able to eventually see my wife. How can that happen when we are two states away? (She just called!) I do not see it happening. I will have to wait until all this is over to even see them. Its is heart wrenching to be separated from them. It is truly hell on earth. I do not want to miss any opportunity to be with them, even if it is for a few minutes. I know that when she gets a job in Utah it will be the best move for them. Not me, but for them. I have to sacrifice what I want for my family. I love them to much. I truly want what is best for them. Utah could be what is best for them. But my fear of losing them is still there. Time and distance call kill a marriage. If we cant find time now to communicate and connect. How will being two states away work? She will be in a new environment, with her family, away from the life we had together. They will move out of the apartment, leaving behind daily reminders of our old lives. She will start a new job, have new friends, a new life. I am just a after thought or her old life. Slowly as time passes the less relevant I become. I am afraid of losing my family. I am afraid they are going to forget about me. I am afraid I will never be an important part of their life again. That other priorities and people will and already have taken my place and time goes on the list gets longer.
There is not a minute that goes by where I do not think about them in some way, fashion or form about them.  At this point I feel that I love them more and think about them than they do me. I feel like I want to be back in their lives more than they want me back. I feel like an inconvenience. A thought that maybe it would be nice if I was in their lives in the future. Its is not like that for me, it is a necessity for me, life is not worth living without them. Like today, she has been up and running errands and doing things. How many times have they thought about me. If they have why have I not heard anything? I did not hear from them today except for a two minute conversation making sure she was okay. She called at midnight and spent most of the time talking to her mom. I feel like I am dating again. I anxiously wait by the phone, waiting for some sort of sign they are thinking about me or want to talk. I always have my phone waiting and waiting. I constantly want to call and text them but refrain from it because I do not want to wake her or take time away from my son. I do not like to be an inconvenience. My whole day is spent waiting for my family. Waiting for some sort of sign they still want me in their life. I feel so vulnerable, I am at their mercy if I am ever allowed into their life again. There is nothing I can do, I know that I have caused this. I never wanted any of this to happen.I hate the idea that I am destroying my family. I hate that I cannot do anything about it. I hate this feeling. I hate not knowing having doubts about how my family feels. I am trying the best I can. My tells me she loves me and I can make my way back. I just feel that I have broken the trust and love she has for me. I do not fully understand where she stands. I know people and family members are telling her to leave me. That I am not worth it. As time goes along I am worried their voice will strengthen and my voice with weaken. And eventually I will lose the best thing that ever happen to me. Part of me will be lost forever. That my wife will never love me again. That I will never get to be the father I imagined to my son. I am afraid that this is the beginning of the end. She works the next three nights, she will be busy. Then she is off the visit her family for two weeks, she will be busy. Then comes back and is trying to get job in utah and move, she will be busy. Then they will leave, she will be busy. I will be pushed to the back burner to be forgotten until it is too late. I plead not to be forgotten and to have a chance to prove myself. I feel like I am starting to be forgotten. However ridiculous this day and circumstances are, it is how I feel and I hate it. I know I must have faith and hope. I know this is all fear. It is my worst nightmare. It helps to write it out.

I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever