Today is today. I have been studying for tests coming up on Monday and Tuesday. It hard to concentrate. Very hard. It is also hard to believe that it is December. It will be the toughest holidays I will ever endure. I hope it is at least. I went and worked out again. Ran 2 miles and biked 3. I still have not eaten much. It's really weird not to have an appetite or thirst. I feel like I killing myself at the gym because I'm so out of shape. But afterwards I feel a little thirsty but not hungry. All day I have been nibbling on a cliff bar. One cliff bar. I weighted myself again today, 203. I know I need to force myself to eat cause I could get sick real easily, but I'm taking two multi vitamins a day.hoping it will help in the short term. I try to eat a pb and h later. I have a meeting with my bishop tomorrow around 9pm.
I'm at Barnes and noble again, I have been reading a book about the babies first year. Bad idea. It just reminds me what I'm going to miss. My mother in law sent me a pic of my son today, he has grown so much in the two weeks since I have seen him. I do not want to miss him growing up. But for the moment I have to suffer while away from him and work on getting myself into a position where I can be with him again. I need to repent and do what I need to do to make things right.
Today I read Alma 13, 14. The scriptures were written for me. It amazed me how on my mission how I could find scriptures by seemingly accident and have it relate and touch those I was teaching. I forgot about how relatable they are. Reading these chapters everything stung. It started by talking about men who were called and chosen to be given the priesthood because of their good works and "exceeding faith and repentance, and their righteousness before God, they choosing to repent and work righteousness rather than to perish." I know that right now I do not have a very high self worth. I have always been my biggest critic and super hard on myself. This situation is no different. My family tells me that I am still a good person. That people make mistakes. But I have been telling myself how terrible of a person I am. How could I ever do such heinous thing and still be thought of as a good person? I feel and tell myself I am the scum of the earth, that I have never been a good person. This scripture lifted up my hope. It taught me that I am a good person. I have weaknesses and faults and I did something very very terrible but, it does not have to define me. If I have faith and repent I can become righteous again. I chose to face my sin and I am choosing to repent and make things right. I am not trying to cover it up anymore. I chose to repent and work righteousness. There is still hope for me.
It also says "23 And they are made known unto us in plain terms, that we may understand, that we cannot err; and this because of our being wanderers in a strange land." I have erred and wandered for a moment. I lost the iron rod of God. I am repenting and making my way back. I am pushing forward towards God and my family. I want to be with my son and wife. I want Gods blessing over us. I cannot become complacent ever again. I am determined to get my family back, no matter what the cost. I can only hope they are willing to receive me only after I truly repented and changed. There was a lot of doctrine directed at me for repentance. The scriptures are amazing!
One odd thing I found when reading was found I Alma 14 v7. After Zeezrom confessed that he was wrong the multitudes were angry with him. And it says that they cast him out and sent men to throw rocks at him. First it clearly says that even the people who believed Alma and Amulek they are part of this. We're their hearts not changed or softened? Why were they part of this? Second, who were these men that the people called for to throw rocks? Is it really that hard to throw rocks? Could nephites not throw rocks? They had to hire or find people who can throw rocks? Do you have to have training? Or was it someone's profession? Professional rock thrower. I wonder what kind of schooling or qualifications you need. I found it to be a humorous. Anyways I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever
Tomorrow I will read Alma 15,16
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