Dec 1st 2012 Early Morning

Laying here trying to go to sleep, my mind racing over my past. I have been thinking if there is anything else I need to come clean about. Something that I tried to hide from my family. I want complete honesty because I want to heal and forgive. But I have been holding a grudge for almost a year. Last x-mas my wife found out that she was expecting. She awoke early in the morning and decided to take the test and passed! Technically I was the first one to find out, but I was not the first she told. When I found this out I was devastated. I was crushed. I wasnt sure if I was just being petty, but it hurt. I tried not to let it show, but it deeply hurt. It seemed that her first impulse was to tell her sister. Maybe she thought about awaking me and spilling the great news, but decided against it. Why? Am I going to be upset? I dont know. We never really talked about it. I never told her how much it hurt. I had to go for a walk cause as not to cry in front of family. I remember thinking why wouldn't she tell me first? The second most important event in my life and I did not find out first? If she just had to tell someone, wake me up I want to know!

I think my perception of my wife and sister's relationship help contribute to my hurt feelings. They have always been very close. Closer than I am to any of my siblings, and truthfully probably never will be. I felt as our relationship was put into second place for a moment. I did not want to bring the subject up cause I was not sure if I was being petty or not. Maybe I was jealous I do not have a relationship like that outside of our own. I know how vulnerable I am, outside of my wife and I relationship, I do not have anyone that I come remotely close to. My relationship with my wife means literally everything to me. I do not have anything else. Nor do I want anything else. I do not want to hold a grudge. I do not want anymore secrets. That day my wife hurt me. I did not tell her. I felt as I was not the most important person in her life at the moment. I was ecstatic to be a father, but it dampened my enthusiasm that day. I do forgive her. I am sure that my perception is soo petty, but next time I talk to her I need to tell her about how I felt and that I forgive her.  

The other time I felt hurt by her was right before we were getting married. She needed a 1 credit course, and she wanted to do this week long excursion in central utah. I remember thinking, we are not even married and she wants to leave me for a week? It was a strange feeling. I had the impression that she had other options, but she really wanted to go camping for a week without me with a bunch of guys.Yeah that was it, the strange feeling, I felt she wanted to leave me and go camping with a bunch of strange single guys without me. I wasnt even married yet and she wanted to spend a night with other guys? I wasnt even married, I just got this amazing woman to say yes to marry me, I hadnt put a ring on her and she was planning this trip? It probably again very petty of me and insecure. But everytime she mentioned capital reef or saw it plastered on our wall I had a bad taste in my mouth. I never told her how I felt, I did not want to come across overbearing or not trusting. But i couldn't help feeling it.

That is the last of things I could tell my wife that I have been  hiding from her. If I get second chance with her, I do not want anything that can decay our relationship. I want her to know my insecurities. I have always tried to appear strong for her. I always second guess how she could ever love or want to be with someone like me. It truly is a miracle. I want to be open and honest. I want our relationship to be even closer. I know she needs me to open my mouth more and tell her what I am thinking and feeling. She always asking me. I want to start that. I want to be able to bear my soul to my soulmate and eternal partner. I hope I get the chance to do so. I love my wife. I love my son. I love my family. 2/4ever

Back to trying to sleep.

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