Dec 27th

Today I feel sick, enlightened that it deterred me from getting out of bed until 2. I have not felt as bad as I thought I would have today, just under the weather. My wife woke me up again this morning, I love it. Last night we were faceTiming, she and my son are on a two week vacation to see family. It was my sons first flight and did really well. But she fell asleep as we were talking, it was a sight to see. I have not seen my wife fall asleep for too long. Since they are gone I am allowed to stay in our apartment. It was surreal to come back. As I left the house where I have been staying, I cried the whole way to our apt. It was something I have wanted to do for so long. As I entered our apt, it seemed so foreign yet familiar. It was the closest to my family I have been. I could touch, see and imagine that they were there. I used to live there with them. Yet no I felt like a stranger in my own home. It is a terrible feeling. I wandered around the house until I went to the bedroom. I saw our bed and wanted to feel close to her. I went to her side and laid down. Feeling the sheets and taken in her smell and essence. Next to it the bassinet where my son sleeps. How I miss and love them. How I wish I could be here very night when they lay their heads down. I wish I could hug them and tell hem how much I love them. How sorry I am and how much I want to make things right. It hurt to be here but it makes me feel that for the moment I am a little closer to being back I their lives. I dream that they would walk in the door as if coming back from the store and all of this was a terrible dream. Everything I look at has a memory I have of them. It will be hard to leave again when they come back. I have to use this time to further motivate me to do all I can to return to their lives. While I am here I am doing to do all I can to show them I still love them. Doing what I can to make their lives easier and less stressful when they return. I want them happy, I care and love them more than I could ever express. These smaller things are on a fraction of the way I want to express my love and concern for them. It helps me feel wanted and needed to do these small things for them. I feel some sort of connection to them as I do these things, something I desperately want to feel again. I disassembled the crib and moved it into the other room so that he can sleep in his crib and her mom and can sleep in the other room. I have a lists of things I need to do, some of it to prepare if they move. I want to make it as easy as possible for them.
I have so many emotions. They shift from minute to minute. But everything is pushing me towards my change and returning to them. God is truly preparing the path. He has many times already had His hand in all of this. I know there are lessons I am learning and will learn. I know that I still have changes to be made. But I am grateful for His presence through all of this. That the plan of salvation is real. That life here on earth is to grow and become better. I must overcome the natural desire of man and be perfected through repentance and the atonement. This is the only way to attain happiness. For me it is the only way to have a chance to be with my family on earth. It teaching me how pressing my circumstances are. I need and want to be withy family again. I cannot stand being apart from. It is truly hell. In the grand scheme of things, it is teaching my fervency to return to my family needs to be a lifelong process. I cannot quit once I am with my family again. I have to continually perfect m flaws and imperfections so that I will not lose my eternal family. We cannot remember what it was like to be with our Heavenly Father. We had a veil placed over our minds so that He can see our true intentions and hearts. I could imagine that if there wasn't a veil how hard it would be. Always thinking about how good life was, the thought of being away from our heavenly family would be too much to bear. I wonder if it would be easier if there was a veil over my mind while I am separated from my family. I wouldn't feel the pain and heartache or have the many memories constantly reminding me how alone I feel or how life was so good before. But I am grateful that there is not. I want to feel the pain and heartache. I want to have those memories of them, I want to know how my life is and isn't without them. I want every advantage to learn and grow for this experience. It gives me great drive and motivation to return to them. To do all that is required of me and more to be worthy to be part of my family again. There isn't anything I am not willing to do to prove and earn their trust and love.
Last night we read scriptures and then we prayed together over the phone. It was powerful. It felt so right to pray together. I felt the spirit. I felt close to my family and it gave them a small insight of the desires of my heart and the prayers I offer daily in their behalf. I love them so much. I hope my wife felt the same way and that we can pray together more often.
She has been sending me videos and photos more often than normal, I am so grateful for each and every one. I love seeing my wife and son together. It brings joy to my heart. She sent me a video of my son giggling. It was the first time I have heard it. I was so excited to make him smile. I was looking forward to making him giggle, I will have to accept watching it on video. But it is so good to see my son doing well and showing no signs of deficiencies. I am ever grateful to God for that blessing. I love my Savior. I love t wife. I love my son. 2/4ever