Nov 30, 2012

One day at a time. Its about all I can do at this moment. I had someone send me a message today that said, "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." I do not want to be strong." I want to be lazy and be with my family. Being away from them and yet I am so close physically is a challenge. I have to do it to protect them. Being strong is no fun right now.

I started something that I should have done long ago. Working out. I am so physically drained right now. I did not sleep last nite. I did not eat dinner last night. I did not eat breakfast or lunch. The people I am staying with are sweethearts, but I feel awkward asking them to feed me since they are going out of there way and comfort zone to allow me to stay in a spare room. They haven't mentioned food, and neither have I. So this morning I went to target and bought some instant oatmeal, thinking I was going to use my emergency stove that I have stashed in the Jeep, but as I arrived at a park I realized that I had put the emergency kit in the other car when we went to Austin. I would really like to get my gas burning stove from home. Ill put it on the list to get. Im sure the food issue will get resolved. Just I feel so awkward in this situation. It will be like this for a long time.

 I was going to meet with my attorney today but she had a close friend who lost her child last night. I feel sincerely heartbroken for the family. I caused my son to suffer and be taken from me. I couldn't imagine him being taken away permanently. I am so grateful that God protected my son. I could never live with myself. My sincere condolences to her family. I am to meet with her Monday. I tried to get ahold of my teacher but she was not at school and has not returned my phone call.

So with all this time I decided to workout. Its has been long overdue. It could be partly that I dont eat much haven't slept well in the last few weeks. Running was hard. It took me 2 hours to run 3 miles and bike 5 miles. It is something I need to do. I know that I want to be physically healthy and active in years to come. I need to earn that luxury. But I never felt so out of shape before.
Another reason is for my wife. Because I have been complacent in my physical work outs, I became very self conscious of my body. As she worked out and improved her amazingly sexy body, I ate fruit snacks and gained weight. I would watch her shower and change, and say to my self, "wow, there is my woman!" Then I would think what I look like and I felt embarrassed and self conscious because I had not been caring for my body. It affected our sex life and helped contribute to my poor decision making. The worst part is that it ended up hurting her self esteem and trust and our relationship. She felt self conscious as she became pregnant and thought she was the problem. No, it was never her. I did not vocalize or show through my actions how attractive and sexy she was to me. She worked out as she was pregnant, I never knew that a pregnant woman could be just as attractive if not more. That sexy woman was carrying my son. I assumed she knew and I tend to internalize my thoughts. I need to be more open with my thoughts and feelings with her. I need to work on better communicating what I am feeling and thinking. I need to open my mouth and show through my actions that she is my woman and how much I am attracted to her. I need to tell her and show her how much I love her. Working out will allow improve my self esteem, allow me to be more open and less self conscious around my wife. I have lost ~20 pounds the last few weeks. Although unintentionally, it will help me feel better about myself. I weighed in the neighborhood of 225-228, and stepping on the scale today at the gym 205.

I was in the steam room, I was thinking how pathetic of physical shape I was in. Then I continued thinking about my mess of a situation. I thought, "what shape is my soul in?" I cannot see what shape my emotional and spiritual self must look like, but it has to be bad. I have not been doing the things that would keep them in top shape. For how else how I react to a situation and do such a heinous thing? I have never done anything similar before in my life. My whole being right now is pathetic. It was a hard reality. I am weak. But I started to reminiscence how my body used to be, strong, lean and capable of amazing things. It just takes time. I cannot get into the shape I want by two hours of arduous work. It comes by daily persistence and time. The same is with my emotional and spiritual self. I have to do daily arduous work and then over time I can become capable as I once was and become stronger than ever before. It sucks. Its hard. I wish I could be strong enough now to be with my family. But it is possible. It is a promise. You get what you sow. I have to work at becoming fit for my family. Then I have to at least maintain. I cannot ever become complacent again. I cannot afford to ever digress. I will not allow myself because if I do I will lose everything I love. My wife. My son. My future children. I will not allow my weaknesses to keep me away from my family.
Today I read Alma 11,12. It was Amluek and Alma putting Zeezrom into his place by the power of God. See rom tries catch Amulek on a technical word. He asks if God can save us in our sins. Amulek replies that no he cannot save us in our sins. But he goes on to explain that Jesus Christ saves us from our sins. No unclean thing can enter the kingdom of God.
It hits me that I'm on the right path. I was in sin when I tried to justify pornography in my life. I thought no one would know or get hurt. I justified that I was doing it to help my wife. I thought she did not enjoy sex with me. It was heart tearing to tell my wife what I had done, right after I told her what happened to her son. I know that it was the right thing to do, she deserved the truth. I had to start the process of removing myself from my sins.
I was in sin when I tried to justify not telling the doctors the truth about what I did. I wanted my son to be healed, I never had any preemption I would do such a thing. I was just as astonished as everyone else that I did what I did. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that I totally responsible for my sons injury. I was scared. When they said seizures, it made sense. I triggered his seizures. When they said acid reflux it made sense. I triggered his acid reflux. I knew I probably triggered something but did not want to believe that I was the sole reason for his condition. I am so grateful God protected him. That he has minimal injuries from what could of been. That his prognosis is they don't expect any long term deficiencies.
I am glad that I finally told the truth. Now the doctors can know what caused his condition can provide better care. I am glad I found the strength to do so. I know there has to be consequences from my actions, but I need to do what I need to do to remove this sin and repent and change. I had to do it for my son. I had to start to make things right.
I removed the cancerous sin secrets from my life. The hole is enormous. But it was the only way to heal. I was so reluctant because I thought I was protecting my loved ones. It was only further hurting them.  It is the only way to start the process of making things right. It will be a long journey for me. But as long as I am doing everything I can to make things right, I will end up where I need to be. I hope that it ends up with my family. I hope I end up a better father and husband to my son and wife. That is my hope. It is fueling my desire to repent and change.
Alma 12:33 But God did call on men, in the name of his Son, (this being the plan of redemption which was laid) saying: If ye will repent, and harden not your hearts, then will I have mercy upon you, through mine Only Begotten Son.
I know if I truly repent that I can eventually be forgiven. I taught countless people about the atonement, and watch them receive forgiveness. I have repented and received forgiveness before. But it's hard for me to imagine how I can receive forgiveness on such a heinous thing as this. How can i ever forgive myself? How can my son ever forgive me? How can my wife ever forgive me? It's mind boggling. I am not completely sure if it is possible. I have only hope and faith that it is. And not a whole lot of it. But the little I have i need tohang on to it. I need to have faith and hope that if I repent and do everything I can to make things right that I will receive forgiveness. I do not want to have this guilt forever. I must repent, it's the only way. 2/4ever

I am going to continue reading alma 13 and 14.

November 29th 2012

My first day alone. My father left early this morning to Seattle. It was the first day that I have had to face alone. I tried to do things to keep my mind off the obvious. I cashed some checks, I went to make an appointment with my attorney tomorrow, I did laundry at a place called a Washeria. Picked up some dry cleaning. Went for a long walk listening to the mormon channel. Now I am at Barnes and Noble writing my feelings until its time to sleep, relieving my conscious of the guilt I have dealt myself. I am grateful for this day. It is easier to bear than yesterday or the few weeks before. God is a God of miracles. He is in the intimate details of our lives. Yesterday I had my first court hearing that I have ever attended. Unfortunately, I was on trial. It was to determine where my son is the most safe. In the hands of strangers, or in the comfort of his mother's arms. God softened many hearts and prepared in advance the answer to my many prayers. My son was reunited with my wife. Where he should have been all along. The two innocent people in this situation do not have to suffer being separated from each other. My conscious' guilt has been partly lifted. The two people I love the most are suffering less.
I am coming to find out that hell is not a place where fire and brimstone causes agony. Hell is being separated from your loved ones because of your wrong choices. Hell is not being able to communicate with them and tell them how much you love them. Hell is life without your family. I have never been happier in this city. My family became bigger in this city and so did my joy, happiness and contentment. Now this place reminds me of what I had and cannot have at the moment. At day one I find myself longing to drive down familiar streets and return to the comfort and company of my home. But I cannot. For if I do I will cause them more suffering and I am not willing to ever do that again. I have a long path until I can do that again. I have much to repent and change before I will allow myself. This blog is to help me express and sort my thoughts and feelings as I go through this ordeal. I have found writing it down lowers my anxiety, helps me sort through all the range of emotions I have been feeling. its will also serve as a record of the progress and change I will be making.
I will be candidly honest. I will be relying more than ever on my God and Savior to help me change and get through this. I will become the husband and father I have to be.

In Preach My Gospel, Boyd K. Packer is quoted as saying, " True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior." I intend prove this. The blog will be a collective works of what I am doing to change. I have a intensely deep desire to change. I have never felt so guilty of anything in my life. For my actions have torn apart my eternal family. Two out of the three pieces are together. I am so grateful to God for that great blessing. Now I have to truly change and repent in order to receive the blessing of being with my family again. The atonement of Christ is the only true way I can change permanently and receive forgiveness of what I have done. The gospel is not for perfect saints, but for the perfection of sinners.

 I have not been faithful in getting myself and my family to read the scriptures everyday. I intend to change that starting today. I know that if I had done so, it would have been less likely that all of this occured. I had become complacent, allowing the adversary's foot in the door. I must never be complacent again, I cannot allow the adversary to slip past my defenses and destroy my family again. I must do everything I have been taught and believe in order to resist the buffetings of the adversary from ever hurting my family again. Daily family scripture study along with personal scripture study is one step.
Today I have read in Alma. When I awoke this morning I had a sense of peace that I have not felt the last two weeks. When I awoke the first thing that came to mind is Calvin will be waking up to his mom. That thought gave me a sense of peace that at least something in this ordeal has been made right. I felt so grateful to God that he made that happen. I started out reading in Alma 9.  When I got to chapter 10 I liked the story of Amulek. He defended Alma and explained how Amulek met Alma. He knew that earlier in his life God had tried to get him to do what is right but he hardened his heart. But then he sent an angel and then Amulek listen and did what the Lord wanted him to do. And because he listened, he was blessed. I likened the story to my situation. I had become complacent and God was probably trying to get me to heed to some promptings but my heart was hardened and my spirit dulled. Then he sent an angel,  Calvin. Who brought so much joy and hope. Telling me to straighten up and repent. After my son's arrival, I made a heinous mistake. I hurt my own son who I love more than myself.
Fortunately, he did not suffer from me as much as he could have. God protected him from me to an extent. Now I find myself humbled and seeking Gods voice. That angel has me repenting and seeking for righteousness. It would have been better if I was not compelled or forced, not only for me but especially Calvin. God did protect him for his injuries could have been a lot worse. Now I must be like Amulek and act on the experience that God gave me. I must become a faithful servant. That means truly repenting and acting like His servant. God saved Calvin's life, and in turn Calvin will save my soul. I love my son. I never understood a parents love, it only matches what I feel for my wife. I have to become a better father and husband. I have a deep desire to change and be better than I have ever been. I have to eliminate my weaknesses to be with my family. I will never take them for granted. I am forever in His debt. He has blessed me more than I can thank Him. As in verse 11.
Then its ironic as the chapter goes on, it starts talking about the cunning lawyers who seek to destroy the righteous. I couldn't help thinking about the CPS trying to keep my son away from my wife. Everyone knew the right thing to was for my son to be with her, but they tried to "lay traps and snares to catch the holy ones of God"(v12)(v32). They were the two innocent people in this situation.
God is in the intimate details of our lives. I love my son and wife so much. I will prove that my weaknesses are not stronger than my love for them. I can overcome anything to be with them. If God helps me. That is my plan. This is my blog. I will overcome my mistakes and weaknesses and prove to them they are worth more to me than anything. I will become a better father and husband by this process and the atonement. I long to hold them and tell them i love them. I will become a pillar of righteousness and strength for them. I love my wife and son, nothing will change that. 2/4ever.

Tomorrow I will read alma 11-12. I am also reading another book called Life Everlasting by Duane S. Crowther. I'm sure ill mention it in future posts