I read Alma 26 today. It had made me think about a lot about this situation. Ammon is giving God thanks for the success of missionary work that he has seen. Ammon relates missionary work to a field ready to harvest and starts describing a storm. The storm for me is right now. Hell is raging around me. Confusion, fear and temptation pound at my soul. There is no escaping the storm right now. I have led myself into the storm. I did not have a place where "storm cannot penetrate to them; yea, neither shall they be driven with fierce winds whithersoever the enemy listeth to carry". Sometimes you have to learn the hard way. I have to weather this storm alone. I was not ready. I tell you that I am building my place of refuge. I had a place, but neglect created cracks. And cracks widen and weaken. I am repairing my life. I am starting to fill in and repair what I have neglected in my life. This is not a weekend project. It will take time. But I will get there. Not only a place of refuge for me, but for my family. I have exposed them to the storm as well and it was my responsibility and duty not to let that happen. I have failed. I will never fail again. I have learned that constant watch over my life is necessary. I cannot be complacent in my spiritual life. I must read everyday. I must pray sincerely. I must read with my wife. I must hold family prayers and FHE. I was satisfied coasting through those things, justifying that I would do them in the future. My character is being changed. I want nothing more that to be with my family. I have the determination and desire to do my duty as a husband, father and priesthood holder in my family to do these things. My complacency is removed, I will never again be complacent and jeopardize my family's safety and happiness.
Ammon continues by giving thanks to God for the work he has done. Ammon gives all glory to God. He knows that he is nothing without God. I feel the same. I will praise His name forever. He has given me a second chance with my son. How could I ever thank him enough? Verse 13 states how many thousands of people have been "loosed from the pains of hell"? It gives me hope that I can too be freed from the pains of hell. I do not have to be "encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction" forever. I can repent and change and be "brought into his everlasting light". My soul and conscious feel dark. I am living with guilt and pain. I wonder at times if I will ever feel 'normal' ever again. Will I ever find happiness and joy. Will I ever have a quiet moment and not be filled guilt and pain? Will I ever be able to think or see my son without being overcome by guilt and shame? Will I ever be able to look into my wife eyes and not see the hurt and pain I have caused her? I ask these questions daily. They fill my soul with despair and hopelessness.
But God says differently. IT will not be an overnight success, or promises that it will be weeks or months or years. But He promises eventually I can be forgiven. That if I repent and change, eventually I will become a new person. He doesnt promise that I will forget, He promises that He will take upon him my sins, my sufferings and my pain. It is a process, but it can be done. I have to repent and make sincere life changes. I have to follow His commandments. Then eventually I can find rest and peace. I can find myself being forgiven and my burdens lightened.
Verse 22 Yea, he that arepenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good bworks, and prayeth continually without ceasing—unto such it is given to know thecmysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be dgiven to ereveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren to repentance.
This trial is my mystery, I am sometimes tempted to blame God. I have tried to follow His commandments. I know that I can do a lot better. I know He expects more from me. But why not prevent this from happening? Why allow me to have this trial? He is all powerful. Why allows such a bad thing happen to a good person/family. He could of easily done something to prevent this situation. Why did he allow it? I have been a good person. I go to church every week. I say my personal prayers. I pay a full tithing. I keep His commandments, I try to be a good Christian. I served him honorably as a missionary for two years. I keep the Word of Wisdom. I render service to anyone I see that needs it. I married my wife in the temple. I fulfill my church callings. Doesnt that count for something?
I do not know if I will ever fully understand why this had to happen. But I cannot blame God. I have to take responsibility for my actions. Through this trial He has provided miracles. It is for my eternal benefit that I go through this trail. I have to learn something. There are lessons from me to learn. There is opportunity to grow. Elder Christofferson gave a talk (here) where he gave this story.
he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:
“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”
President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”
I hope that this is the case. I hope that this pain and suffering will continue drive me to change and repent. Through repentance I can change. I can change my weakness into strengths. I can overcome the natural man. I can become more Christ-like. There are forces trying to weaken and destroy me. They want me miserable and dejected. But I will not allow myself to held back by my weaknesses. I will not allow my weaknesses to destroy my family. My family means everything to me. My family's happiness and safety is my duty. God entrusted them in my care. I love them with all my heart. I must do everything I can to reunite and strengthen my family. They mean everything to me. My wife and my son motivate me to be a better person and do everything I can to support and protect them. And I will. God will help me. I love my son. I love my wife. 2/4ever
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