Dec 18

I have not written for the past few days, time has escaped me. Also motivation because at night because I have been very tired. Today was a slow day. I ran some errands for the people I am staying with. I then ran some personal errands. I have a court date tomorrow, I know it's about a protective order. I nervous just because I have no idea what to expect. It was necessary because cps tried to punish the two innocent people in all this and the PO helped dismiss the ridiculous case they had. It is not necessary to keep me away, but it makes the whole situation formal with severe consequences. The only thing I am worried about is not being able to get updates about how my son is doing. That worries me the most, I constantly think about him and how I wish I could see him, hold him, tell him how much I love him, and take care of his needs. I cannot do that, so getting updates about him helps ease the pain. I only have a few pictures since i last saw him, i try to get text updates about how he is and they are precious to me. I cannot be there physically, but it helps me to still feel connected even if I can only imagine how he is. It sucks. Hell is truly life without your loved ones.
I was at Barnes and Noble for a good chunk of the day, I tried to read some parenting books but I'm not ready yet. I do not know if there will be a day that I can read about being a parent and not think how terrible I am. I cannot help but think about how deeply I love my son and all the moments I am missing. This experience is something I will never forget. It has changed everything. It has rocked the depths of my soul, I will never be the same. I will never be able to shake the emotions and feelings I have been feeling. I have never felt this amount of emotion or feelings at one time. I have preached and taught about Godly sorrow. I thought I knew what it meant, I thought I have felt Godly sorrow, but this experience and trial has shown that I had not even scratched the surface. The depth and weight of what I feel is almost unbearable. If I did not have the knowledge and hope of the Gospel it would be unbearable. It's truly crushing, it forces you to change. It would be very easy to give up. It tough as hell trying to stand under it all and take the upward path. It would be easier to go down into the depths, but climbing out is what I am determined to do. I know that it is only possible with the atonement and sincere repentance, which requires this Godly sorrow. The promise is at the top, after doing all that I can do, it will eventually get easier. I will be strengthened under this burden along the way. I want to return to my family and my God.

I read in Alma 32 today. I was convinced to only read half because it is a long chapter. It's was Alma preaching to the poor. They were being cast out of their places of worship because they were poor. Alma explains because of their circumstance, they are not lifted up in pride like those who were casting them out. They were humble and God expects that His people be humble.
It was a similar to my experience. I have been cast out. Cast out of my home. Cast out of the lives of my son and wife. Because of this I am being compelled to be humble. I was not humbling myself as I should of been. God wants servants to be humble on their own, but sometimes it is necessary that He humbles His people. Verse 13 struck a tender chord in my heart.

13 And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.

It reaffirmed my mission. I need to continue to repent and change. That I can still be a servant of God. I have the righteous desire to repent when God humbles me. And if I repent and go through this hell, I can find mercy. Through repentance I can change and find mercy. I can find forgiveness. I can be cleansed through the grace and atonement of God. I can be happy again. I can find joy in life. I hope I can be with my wife and son again. Life is worth nothing without them. For me to find joy and happiness I have to be with them. They mean everything to me. And eventually through my enduring change and continual efforts to do good and keep the commandments and covenants I can be saved with my family. I will not let my weaknesses stand in the way. I am and will do everything and anything to make my wife and son happy. I hope that it still includes me. I love my wife and son with all my heart, forever and ever my heart and soul will be theirs. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever