Dec 29th

Probably the hardest holiday I have ever had. Today is our three year anniversary. I have been married to the love of my life for three years, and I cannot celebrate it with her. We have never had a chance to celebrate properly, our first year we were car shopping and bought a car. Second year we flew home from x mas holds us. But at least we spent the whole day together. I love being with my wife if were are doing adventures or mundane everyday things.
  I have not done a very good job of showing my love and appreciation and celebration of her entering my life for eternity. I hold on to the hope that I will have many more anniversaries to celebrate properly. Today we celebrated over ice cream comes from 1500 miles away. I'm glad we were able to do something, we talked for a few minutes, she has sent me photos of her and Calvin. I am glad she is with family today, it's been hard on me and I hope being with family helps.
I know she has a lot on her mind at this moment, she is sifting through a lot if opinions, feelings and options. I wish there was something I could to do to help. I wish I could take her in my arms and just hug her. I wish I could talk to her face to face and comfort her. I know it helps for me to write it all out. I just wish there was something more I could do. I hope she knows that I am here patiently waiting by my phone if she ever needs to talk.

I spent the day doing my check off list. I printed off the programs, cleaned off the porch of wood and debris, re did the gas cover. Ran some errands and got some tp and spinach. I finished ms Wilson today. She is my temporary visual aid of my wife of memories. She had items that are all connected to my wife. The basketball for the head represents our courtship and early marriage of games of horse, in which she would beat me. A helmet to represents our time in st George and she is adventurous. The jacket represents our marriage. I cannot look at that jacket and not think about the day I proposed to her and she said yes. And also the day before my life changed for eternity. I can picture her wearing it all the time. I put a photo of her and my son in the airport to remind me of who I love and where I want to be. Tp represents the fun and spontaneous things we do together, and the traditions we are creating for ourselves. Lingerie, well do I really need to explain that?
I love my wife. I love my son.
I just got back from a walk around the block, it's cold. But desires the bitter cold, it gave me time to hear my thoughts out. I struggle between thought of fear and doubt and hope and faith. On this walk I have been thinking about everything that has happened. I was walking along the same route I would take my son to calm him down, glad I wasn't barefoot this time. I have been through hell. My soul and heart are broken. I am at an all time low. But as I was walking around the block, at one point I felt that peace that I felt on Christmas Eve. I felt that now it is time to start climbing the mountain out of hell. The valley has been reached. Now  I am climbing up and out. That peace is so welcoming. It gives me clarity of though and those unfounded fears and doubts are gone. I determination and desire fill those voids. My love for my family is my overriding motivation. My weaknesses will not come between my family and I. It will not hinder our eternal progression. My actions will bear the fruit of repentance and change. This will just be the start.
My heart breaks everyday that I am away from my son and wife. I love and care for them more than life itself. But i need to think like i am one day closer to being with them. My wife reminded me that this is all for my son. And it is. I want I be a great father to him and my future children. I made a mistake. I will not have that happen again. I need to learn how to control my emotions more than I thought. I never had been pushed to the limit before, I need to learn how to better recognize and rechannel that emotion. I need the atonement to strengthen my weakness. I am not running away or hiding from my problems. I am facing them head on, to conquer and overcome them. I am starting to climb the mountain. That peace I feel gives me the knowledge as long as I am doing what I need to repent and change, I will be with my family again. My wife today helped me realize that saying, "Thank you. That is exactly how I feel and you put it Into words a lot better than I could. As you produce the fruits of repentance an change we want you back!! The door is never closed and the only way it would be is if you closed it yourself. I feel like my heart is open to you. We love you and want you to be in our lives so as long as you want that too then we are good :)"
I love my good wife. She is absolutely amazing. I am trying and doing everything I can to prove to her that I love her and I can be a great father and husband. I can produce the fruits of repentance because I know that my repentance is real. My desire and motivation to change and be with my family is real and strong. I can do this. I will be with my family again. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 28th

Today I did things around the house. I am not feeling great, I woke up with a frog in my throat and congested, but better than I expected. I like that energen c stuff, tastes a lot better than airborne. I ate some food today, chicken noodle soup. I ran to the store to be a few items to make waffles for when my wife returns. I cleaned up and folded laundry that has been sitting In the dryer. I took a nap, woke up tried to figure out the computer and tv setup, it seems to be the tv, but ill keep trying to figure it out. Decided to cross off a few items on my to do list. I made waffles and stuck them in the freezer for my wife and mother in law. I did that until I was tired and decided to go to bed, but as I looked at my list I saw that so far I have only only one thing crossed off. So decided to make laundry soap cause they were out.
As I was making waffles, I was watching a show about a detective who lost his wife. I stopped watching the show because it was making me emotional. It was making me think about losing her and my son. Fear set in, and all I could think about was losing them. Living in fear guilt and loneliness is the worst punishment. Feeling like there is nothing I can do at the moment to correct and change is just as bad. I take solace in these menial chores for my family. It provides me something to do to feel like I am progressing towards them and showing them how much I love them. It gives me the opportunity to express my desire and dedication to return to them. I will do what menial task and whatever great obstacle and trial to return to them. They mean the world to me and I don't want them to ever forget it. They are not just the love of my life. They are my life.
I have to remember that all the prayers I offer, time staying the scriptures, asking for forgiveness and change of heart draws me closer to God but also them. When I resist the adversary's offering and buffetings, and struggle to overcome the thoughts and feelings, I am proving my character to myself, God and my family. It is hard for them to see that part. But I am fighting a terrible battle within. Trying to always push those thoughts and feelings away and replace them with wholesome uplifting and inspiring thoughts and feelings. I am truly grateful to my beautiful wife who seems to always send pictures, texts or calls during those moments of need. I look and relook at those pictures more than I could ever count. Each day they inspire and fill my soul with hope, desire and motivation of where I want to be. I am grateful that she takes the time to do those things for me. She is truly the biggest blessing in my life, and I will ever show her how grateful I am for her.
I am going to read some parts of that 5 languages of love book. She suggested it, I want her to feel my love for her. I want her to never forget or doubt my feelings and devotion for her and our family.
I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 27th

Today I feel sick, enlightened that it deterred me from getting out of bed until 2. I have not felt as bad as I thought I would have today, just under the weather. My wife woke me up again this morning, I love it. Last night we were faceTiming, she and my son are on a two week vacation to see family. It was my sons first flight and did really well. But she fell asleep as we were talking, it was a sight to see. I have not seen my wife fall asleep for too long. Since they are gone I am allowed to stay in our apartment. It was surreal to come back. As I left the house where I have been staying, I cried the whole way to our apt. It was something I have wanted to do for so long. As I entered our apt, it seemed so foreign yet familiar. It was the closest to my family I have been. I could touch, see and imagine that they were there. I used to live there with them. Yet no I felt like a stranger in my own home. It is a terrible feeling. I wandered around the house until I went to the bedroom. I saw our bed and wanted to feel close to her. I went to her side and laid down. Feeling the sheets and taken in her smell and essence. Next to it the bassinet where my son sleeps. How I miss and love them. How I wish I could be here very night when they lay their heads down. I wish I could hug them and tell hem how much I love them. How sorry I am and how much I want to make things right. It hurt to be here but it makes me feel that for the moment I am a little closer to being back I their lives. I dream that they would walk in the door as if coming back from the store and all of this was a terrible dream. Everything I look at has a memory I have of them. It will be hard to leave again when they come back. I have to use this time to further motivate me to do all I can to return to their lives. While I am here I am doing to do all I can to show them I still love them. Doing what I can to make their lives easier and less stressful when they return. I want them happy, I care and love them more than I could ever express. These smaller things are on a fraction of the way I want to express my love and concern for them. It helps me feel wanted and needed to do these small things for them. I feel some sort of connection to them as I do these things, something I desperately want to feel again. I disassembled the crib and moved it into the other room so that he can sleep in his crib and her mom and can sleep in the other room. I have a lists of things I need to do, some of it to prepare if they move. I want to make it as easy as possible for them.
I have so many emotions. They shift from minute to minute. But everything is pushing me towards my change and returning to them. God is truly preparing the path. He has many times already had His hand in all of this. I know there are lessons I am learning and will learn. I know that I still have changes to be made. But I am grateful for His presence through all of this. That the plan of salvation is real. That life here on earth is to grow and become better. I must overcome the natural desire of man and be perfected through repentance and the atonement. This is the only way to attain happiness. For me it is the only way to have a chance to be with my family on earth. It teaching me how pressing my circumstances are. I need and want to be withy family again. I cannot stand being apart from. It is truly hell. In the grand scheme of things, it is teaching my fervency to return to my family needs to be a lifelong process. I cannot quit once I am with my family again. I have to continually perfect m flaws and imperfections so that I will not lose my eternal family. We cannot remember what it was like to be with our Heavenly Father. We had a veil placed over our minds so that He can see our true intentions and hearts. I could imagine that if there wasn't a veil how hard it would be. Always thinking about how good life was, the thought of being away from our heavenly family would be too much to bear. I wonder if it would be easier if there was a veil over my mind while I am separated from my family. I wouldn't feel the pain and heartache or have the many memories constantly reminding me how alone I feel or how life was so good before. But I am grateful that there is not. I want to feel the pain and heartache. I want to have those memories of them, I want to know how my life is and isn't without them. I want every advantage to learn and grow for this experience. It gives me great drive and motivation to return to them. To do all that is required of me and more to be worthy to be part of my family again. There isn't anything I am not willing to do to prove and earn their trust and love.
Last night we read scriptures and then we prayed together over the phone. It was powerful. It felt so right to pray together. I felt the spirit. I felt close to my family and it gave them a small insight of the desires of my heart and the prayers I offer daily in their behalf. I love them so much. I hope my wife felt the same way and that we can pray together more often.
She has been sending me videos and photos more often than normal, I am so grateful for each and every one. I love seeing my wife and son together. It brings joy to my heart. She sent me a video of my son giggling. It was the first time I have heard it. I was so excited to make him smile. I was looking forward to making him giggle, I will have to accept watching it on video. But it is so good to see my son doing well and showing no signs of deficiencies. I am ever grateful to God for that blessing. I love my Savior. I love t wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 24th

Christmas Eve. I have spent the day between two households. I will be staying with my bishop and his family for the next few days. I didn't sleep a whole lot last night, but this morning my wife called me and it was the best morning I have had in a long I spent the day cleaning and grooming a dog for the people i was staying with. There is a notable difference between the two families. Maybe is is just because the Bishop still has kids in his house, but it is chaotic and busy here. It is hard for me to see. I am reminded that this is a household that I have always dreamed of. A house with a bunch of kids. Here am I a new father with a kid at home, and I can't be there. I am not sure if I will be able to have a household like this. I want this and have always wanted this. But with one kid I could not do it. Why? Why me? I had tried so hard to be a good father, but why can't I? Why can't I have that blessing I being a father?
I need to stop thinking like this. I know that I am a good man with righteous desires. Isn't raising a family a righteous desire? I have to look and hope that this is God preparing me to fulfill the measure of my creation. He is giving me the opportunity to change and prepare myself to raise a righteous family. The refiners fire so that I can be the father and husband I want to be. So that I can raise and nurture my children. I have to have that hope and desire. I just have to remember that this hell I am going through is to prepare me whatever God has in store for me and my family.
Here at my bishops house we acted out the nativity scene with the kids. We never did that in my house growing up because we didn't not have many kids, I would love to be able to do that one day. I want to be the righteous and loving father of my family. I want to be able to provide for my family so that my wife can stay home with the kids if she wants to. Right now I am learning how to be a better father and husband. My capacities and love are widening and depending. I am being prepared for that future.
Right now I am feeling so peaceful, something I have not felt Ina long time. It is discernible welcoming peace. Something I have been wanting and searching for. I feel strongly that what I have been writing is truth, God is preparing me to be a father and husband of a larger family. Not a new family, but the family I have. I feel peaceful with this. I feel that god is telling me the future is going to be okay and I will get through this. I do not want this feeling to leave. I feel hopeful. I feel the spirit. I know that everything is going to be okay. I know I am on the right path. I know that my desires are right and if I continue I will have the future I want. I feel the spirit! I do not want this to leave, I feel so hopeful and full of faith and love and comfort. Dan do not forget this moment. Do not forget how you feel and the witness' you are receiving. Remember that God is telling you that everything is going to be okay, after you learn from this trial. You will have your family again, you are being prepared to be the husband and father so that I can have the family I want. I am being changed. Do not forget this moment or witness.

I am going to end with this, I feel so peaceful about my family. I know that I will be with them again and I will be the father and husband I need to be and want to be! I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever Merry Christmas!



Thoughts during nativity. People before the birth of Christ had to ave faith in some babe who was to be born someday I the future. If someone today tried to tell me to believe in someone who was going to be born some day in the future, unwieldy call them crazy. What faith they must of had!today we have our Savior's words to read and study as proof that he is the son of God. Maybe that is why the New Testament there were so many miracles, they had faith or needed to be shown great and wondrous things to have faith and believe. I also thought about how that day, hope had finally come. His birth here in earth have all mankind hope, He had come to save us from our sins. The son of God had come to give us hope! Right now I am filled with hope, hope that is only here because He was born. I have hope that I can change and be forgiven. I have hope that I can be with my family again here on earth and for the eternities to come. I have hope because of Him. I have a family because of Him. I love and grateful for my Savior!

Dec 23rd

Today I ran some errands with the family I am staying with. I went to a Texas A&M basketball game today, I think he get season tickets to the games, Texas A&M are terrible this year. They lost the game to Southern, a school from Baton Rouge. It was fun to get and watch a live basketball game, I like it cause I can watch the referees too. I found out they had a classical guitar lying around. I downloaded a guitar chromatic app to tune the guitar and tried to remember some of the songs I learned from my mission. Only remember part of one and have forgotten all the rest. It will be something to do, relearning chords and such in all the time that I have.
Today I have been feeling weird. I dont know what I expect from this situation. I cant help feel like I am forgotten already, something I dread. I dont know how to explain it so let me try. I feel like the more time that passes, the less relevant and easier to forget I become. Kind of like out of sight, out of mind. My rational side says that my wife is super busy and has a lot of other responsibilities and stresses going on right now with work, school, finding a new job, etc. I can understand all of that. I know that my son
and his caring and rearing must take priority over me. I know that is not on purpose and she is trying to do the best that she can. She is doing a marvelous job. She is the most talented person I know. If anyone can be super mom it is her. She is incredible. I am not trying to pass judgement or make her feel guilty. This is really me trying to sort out how I feel. I cannot help how I feel. I am trying to understand it and try to take out the irrational thoughts and feelings. I am trying work through what I am feeling. Please take it with a grain of salt. I just want to be honest with myself so that I can work through this and not have to feel like this. I do not want to feel like I am being forgotten and somehow it is someone's fault. I know that I am not, but it is how I am feeling and I want to get rid of those thoughts and recognize that they are not true.
My wife worked last night, meaning she had to sleep during the day to prepare to stay up all night. I do not wish to call or text her while sleeping cause I know sleep is a rare commodity. I do not want to wake her up if she is sleeping. I also do not want to take her away from caring for my son so I chose to let her call and text me on her time, then I know she has a few minutes for me. Yesterday I did not hear from her until she was driving to work. Which I enjoy. Then last night she was super busy with work and crazy patients. A few texts were passed, understandably. Then today I did not hear a single thing from her, sometimes she texts me as she leaves work. But come 6h00 I still have not heard a single thing from her. I knew she had to be up cause of our son and such. I began to wonder and send a text. And when I wonder, my imagination goes wild. 8h00 comes and still nothing. So I call, it goes to voicemail but it is full. I kinda start to worry. So I text her mom. Nothing. I call her mom. Nothing. I call my wife again. Nothing. I text her sister to see if she had talked to her today. She says no. Then I am worried. I hate feeling helpless. I hate the idea of my family in trouble. I hate that I can do nothing for them. I do not know if something happen. If my wife was mad at me. If I did something. If something changed. If she changed her mind and swore me off. I have no idea. I pray for comfort and their safety. I cannot help but worry about them. Especially when I have to be so far away from them and I am helpless to help them. I hate it. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate that my actions have caused this. I hate that I cannot be a husband and father. I hate feeling worthless and alone. I hate feeling unwanted and unloved. I hate it.
Finally she calls, saying her phone was on silent and they are running errands and will call me later. I feel better that they are safe. Then the adversary puts all these thoughts into my head that if I didnt call or text saying I was worried would she ever of called? These thoughts come and I try to push them out. I have my list I made of things that give me hope. I read it when these thoughts and feelings come. It helps me to realize that they are not true. It is a constant battle to re-remind myself.  I struggle with self confidence, especially right now. Its hard for me to see anything worthwhile in me. Why anyone still wants me. And if I feel this way, what does she think and feel. Here it is almost 12 and I still have not heard anything from her.

I cannot help but worry what will happen when they move to Utah. I have this selfish desire to keep them here. I want to be able when the time comes to have supervised visits with my son. I want to be able to eventually see my wife. How can that happen when we are two states away? (She just called!) I do not see it happening. I will have to wait until all this is over to even see them. Its is heart wrenching to be separated from them. It is truly hell on earth. I do not want to miss any opportunity to be with them, even if it is for a few minutes. I know that when she gets a job in Utah it will be the best move for them. Not me, but for them. I have to sacrifice what I want for my family. I love them to much. I truly want what is best for them. Utah could be what is best for them. But my fear of losing them is still there. Time and distance call kill a marriage. If we cant find time now to communicate and connect. How will being two states away work? She will be in a new environment, with her family, away from the life we had together. They will move out of the apartment, leaving behind daily reminders of our old lives. She will start a new job, have new friends, a new life. I am just a after thought or her old life. Slowly as time passes the less relevant I become. I am afraid of losing my family. I am afraid they are going to forget about me. I am afraid I will never be an important part of their life again. That other priorities and people will and already have taken my place and time goes on the list gets longer.
There is not a minute that goes by where I do not think about them in some way, fashion or form about them.  At this point I feel that I love them more and think about them than they do me. I feel like I want to be back in their lives more than they want me back. I feel like an inconvenience. A thought that maybe it would be nice if I was in their lives in the future. Its is not like that for me, it is a necessity for me, life is not worth living without them. Like today, she has been up and running errands and doing things. How many times have they thought about me. If they have why have I not heard anything? I did not hear from them today except for a two minute conversation making sure she was okay. She called at midnight and spent most of the time talking to her mom. I feel like I am dating again. I anxiously wait by the phone, waiting for some sort of sign they are thinking about me or want to talk. I always have my phone waiting and waiting. I constantly want to call and text them but refrain from it because I do not want to wake her or take time away from my son. I do not like to be an inconvenience. My whole day is spent waiting for my family. Waiting for some sort of sign they still want me in their life. I feel so vulnerable, I am at their mercy if I am ever allowed into their life again. There is nothing I can do, I know that I have caused this. I never wanted any of this to happen.I hate the idea that I am destroying my family. I hate that I cannot do anything about it. I hate this feeling. I hate not knowing having doubts about how my family feels. I am trying the best I can. My tells me she loves me and I can make my way back. I just feel that I have broken the trust and love she has for me. I do not fully understand where she stands. I know people and family members are telling her to leave me. That I am not worth it. As time goes along I am worried their voice will strengthen and my voice with weaken. And eventually I will lose the best thing that ever happen to me. Part of me will be lost forever. That my wife will never love me again. That I will never get to be the father I imagined to my son. I am afraid that this is the beginning of the end. She works the next three nights, she will be busy. Then she is off the visit her family for two weeks, she will be busy. Then comes back and is trying to get job in utah and move, she will be busy. Then they will leave, she will be busy. I will be pushed to the back burner to be forgotten until it is too late. I plead not to be forgotten and to have a chance to prove myself. I feel like I am starting to be forgotten. However ridiculous this day and circumstances are, it is how I feel and I hate it. I know I must have faith and hope. I know this is all fear. It is my worst nightmare. It helps to write it out.

I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 22nd

Today not a whole lot, tried to find things to do that doesn't cost money. Thus I have been reading and trying to do research on future choices. I added more photos of my son and wife to my phone. It helps when I feel lonely, depressed, hopeless, and/or tempted to look at their faces and be reminded about memories. It is all I can have, photos and memories. I love them so much. They motivate me to keep my spirits high and keep enduring. Yesterday we read scriptures as a family. It felt really good. I felt as though I was able to start a step to returning and strengthening y broken family. Just being able to do something concrete and say yes I have done something to reunite my family. I hope to never lose this feeling and desire to read scriptures as a family. I have been hoping we could do it again today, but my amazing wife has been super busy with our son and work. Until we are physically together again, we will be harder to find time for it. I am in no way blaming her that we didn't read, I understand it is so much harder when we are separate and add on her responsibilities for our son and work. I just hope we can do it enlighten that when we are together again it will be more natural and we can develop it into a daily habit. I think I'm off to bed, I do not have a whole lot on my mind at this moment to write about. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 20th

Tomorrow is the end of the world. I hope not. If it was I would be with my family tonight. Today has been a slow day, I got up early and didn't sleep much the night before. I feel okay. Getting tired. I been looking at jobs and getting a résumé together. It hard at this point to know what is going to happen. It's hard to plan my future and make life changing decisions. I wish days like these I could do more to make my way towards my family. I wish that we could get all done with so I know what is going to happen and what I need to do. Wasting my time away from my family is a cruel punishment. But God knows best, He knows my heart and intentions. This is part of my process. I had a pretty emotional night. Lying awake thinking about everything. I was scared about everything going on. It felt sometimes as if the walls were closing in, it also didn't help it was as hot as hades in my room. I was alone. My good wife was a work and provided as much company as she could, I do not know what I would do without her. We are going to have family scripture study tonight, it will be the first one on one scripture study. I am pretty excited. It is long over due and I am trying to fulfill my duties as husband and father to protect and oversee my family's physical and spiritual welfare. I am trying to improve. I am going to keep this blog short, I feel emotionally drained today. Probably why I have not done as whole lot today. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 19th

Today defined my legal status to my family. Reality is sobering. I cannot see my family faces for a year. I cannot hold them in my arms and tell them how much I love them. I am an outcast. I am homeless. I am alone.
Gratefully my attorneys are understanding. They know of my immense love for my family. They know that above all I want my family to be happy and together. Today I was shown justice and mercy. In order to keep CPS out of Alyssa and Calvin's life this needed to happen. But to say no contact with them for a year would be cruel to my soul. They talked with the judge and came up with a way to satisfy justice and mercy. I do not have to have a guilty conscious or fear that calling or texting might endanger my family. I count my blessings. They tried to get the minimum restrictions yet satisfy CPS. I was a hard thing to do. But I had one thought in my mind, "this is for your son and wife". I know that it was for them. It's hard. It sucks. It painful. But I have vowed to do anything and everything I can to get them back. This is one step. I must do it. Which means almost certainly that my wife and son are moving out of state. My selfish self hates that thought. I feel that I am chasing them out. They are fleeing me. Running away. But I trying to listen to my rational side. I know that if my wife gets a job there it is probably the right decision. Her family can lend her a hand. My family is moving there in a few weeks. It is away for the cps of brazos county.
But for me it looks like I must stay here. So far away. No chance of seeing them. Even if it comes to where I can have supervised visits, I will not be able to see them. I must wait until the end of everything to even see them again. I knew that it was going to be hard and extremely difficult process, but the reality of this situation is setting in. I must set aside the selfish desires of my heart for the betterment of my family. I am committed to getting family together again, no matter the costs. I can't help but wonder what my future is. If after all this, if she or her family will ever trust me again. If I want/need to move out of state for a job or school, what will happen? Will she ever trust me to be alone with my own kids? I guess I need to focus on the year future before I can plan ahead. I need to focus o changing myself and making my weaknesses strong. But the fear of uncertainty and autonomy creeps in. More than anything I want my wife and son back in my life, and I want to be the breadwinner, worthy priesthood holder, and loving husband and father.
After court today I had a long talk with the people I am staying with. We talked about how this is changing my life. She told me how impressed she was with me when I came home from the mission, and how she feels that I am destined to do incredible things. That I am young enough that this will prepare me for whatever future tasks God has for me. She shared some very personal stuff about her marriage, and how things are not going very well. She is ready to walk out on her husband because of his anger issues. That she feels he has destroyed their love because he cannot control his anger. She told me how much God must love me and preparing me for great things to come. He gave me this teaching opportunity, my son is alive with no permanent deficits, he is too tout to remember this, my wife still loves me and wants me to be a part of the family. I am young enough to learn from this to be an incredible father and husband. That this will change my life if I let it.
It has changed my eternal destiny. It is preparing me for whatever great tasks God has prepared for me. She see great potential in me, and the capacity I will have after to help others will be immense. She said, "God must love you so much and expect so many great things from you, you may never feel like this was a blessing, but one day you will realize that God loved you so much that He allowed this to happen."
I am just briefly summarizing our conversation, but I know God has put me here In this home to hear this. I have always known and felt God expects great things from me. I know on my mission He expected a lot and I met those expectations. I feel I have a duty to become better instrument and man of God. I know there are great things I will do to help others and be in His service. My situation will cause me to either grow or shrink. I have chosen to grow and to climb the hill out of hell, to strengthen my weakness and faults. To expand my capacity to love and deepen my desire to do right. To increase my effectiveness as a servant of God and sensitivity to the Spirit.
I know that I will be emotional, I cannot help but worry about my family and the future. It is because I love and care for them so much and I feel so helpless. I feel an overwhelming desire and duty to be a better husband and father, that I am failing at my responsibilities as I am on the sideline. I feel so vulnerable without them in my life. It sounds so cheesy and cliche but they really do complete me. I cannot see my life without them and I refuse to think about not having them in my life because I know it's not a thought from God. I know He is preparing me for them. I know that he is helping me become a better husband for my dear wife. He is helping me increase my capacity to love her and provide for her needs. He is helping me become the father for my son than I could never be on my own. He is preparing me for work in His service among His children. He is giving me a gift. It feels like a curse, but hopefully one day I will look back on this Christmas and feel and see the gift God has given me. The capacity and worthiness to be with my family eternally. A greater capacity to love, cherish and provide for them. The desire and drive to repent, change and be a righteous man of God. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 18

I have not written for the past few days, time has escaped me. Also motivation because at night because I have been very tired. Today was a slow day. I ran some errands for the people I am staying with. I then ran some personal errands. I have a court date tomorrow, I know it's about a protective order. I nervous just because I have no idea what to expect. It was necessary because cps tried to punish the two innocent people in all this and the PO helped dismiss the ridiculous case they had. It is not necessary to keep me away, but it makes the whole situation formal with severe consequences. The only thing I am worried about is not being able to get updates about how my son is doing. That worries me the most, I constantly think about him and how I wish I could see him, hold him, tell him how much I love him, and take care of his needs. I cannot do that, so getting updates about him helps ease the pain. I only have a few pictures since i last saw him, i try to get text updates about how he is and they are precious to me. I cannot be there physically, but it helps me to still feel connected even if I can only imagine how he is. It sucks. Hell is truly life without your loved ones.
I was at Barnes and Noble for a good chunk of the day, I tried to read some parenting books but I'm not ready yet. I do not know if there will be a day that I can read about being a parent and not think how terrible I am. I cannot help but think about how deeply I love my son and all the moments I am missing. This experience is something I will never forget. It has changed everything. It has rocked the depths of my soul, I will never be the same. I will never be able to shake the emotions and feelings I have been feeling. I have never felt this amount of emotion or feelings at one time. I have preached and taught about Godly sorrow. I thought I knew what it meant, I thought I have felt Godly sorrow, but this experience and trial has shown that I had not even scratched the surface. The depth and weight of what I feel is almost unbearable. If I did not have the knowledge and hope of the Gospel it would be unbearable. It's truly crushing, it forces you to change. It would be very easy to give up. It tough as hell trying to stand under it all and take the upward path. It would be easier to go down into the depths, but climbing out is what I am determined to do. I know that it is only possible with the atonement and sincere repentance, which requires this Godly sorrow. The promise is at the top, after doing all that I can do, it will eventually get easier. I will be strengthened under this burden along the way. I want to return to my family and my God.

I read in Alma 32 today. I was convinced to only read half because it is a long chapter. It's was Alma preaching to the poor. They were being cast out of their places of worship because they were poor. Alma explains because of their circumstance, they are not lifted up in pride like those who were casting them out. They were humble and God expects that His people be humble.
It was a similar to my experience. I have been cast out. Cast out of my home. Cast out of the lives of my son and wife. Because of this I am being compelled to be humble. I was not humbling myself as I should of been. God wants servants to be humble on their own, but sometimes it is necessary that He humbles His people. Verse 13 struck a tender chord in my heart.

13 And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved.

It reaffirmed my mission. I need to continue to repent and change. That I can still be a servant of God. I have the righteous desire to repent when God humbles me. And if I repent and go through this hell, I can find mercy. Through repentance I can change and find mercy. I can find forgiveness. I can be cleansed through the grace and atonement of God. I can be happy again. I can find joy in life. I hope I can be with my wife and son again. Life is worth nothing without them. For me to find joy and happiness I have to be with them. They mean everything to me. And eventually through my enduring change and continual efforts to do good and keep the commandments and covenants I can be saved with my family. I will not let my weaknesses stand in the way. I am and will do everything and anything to make my wife and son happy. I hope that it still includes me. I love my wife and son with all my heart, forever and ever my heart and soul will be theirs. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 16th

Sorry that I did not write yesterday. Time got the best at me last nite. I went to church. I then went to Barnes and Noble to red but I realized I was very tired. So I went and tried to nap in the car. I used my laundry as a pillow and fell asleep. It was nice because the day was overcast and it wasnt too bright. After that I went back to BN and read. I left and went to the family I will be living with, I have known them for a long time, they are a great family. We talked a lot about what I am going through. She kept telling me that 99.9 percent of people know what I felt like. She also said that I need to look through this experience and see the good that can come out of it. I can become a better father and husband and my experience could help others in the future who have to go through similar experiences. I should not continually beat myself up over this, but learn and grow. It is comforting to know so many people love and support my family. It makes it easier.
Today I read in Alma 31. Alma continues to pr

Dec 14th

One month. I have not seen my son for one long month. He is almost four months old. Everyday away from him is so hard. I know it is hard on my wife also. There is nothing I can do for them. I have led my life to avoid this situation. I kept myself chaste for all my life. I lived the commandments as best as I could. I wanted to raise a traditional family. I  wanted to find the love of my life. I wanted to wait until we were married to have sexual relations. I wanted my children born into a good family. I never never thought that I would have to leave my family. I did everything I could so that my children would be raised by a mom and dad who were committed and loved each other. I have seen how separation and divorce have affected my friends' lives. I have seen what problems it causes. I was determined to never have that happen to my children. I found a woman who I wanted to spend eternity with and raise my children. But here I sit, alone. My son does not have a father. A quarter of his short life he does not have a dad around. What agony and pain it causes my soul. I feel like I am a disappointment. I am not the father/dad I needed/wanted to be to him. I feel like a failure. I cannot express adequately how I feel. Dejected, failure, terrible, alone.  But I am not a quitter. I still feel that I can be the father I need/want to be. It will be a lot harder. Each day way not makes feel worse about the situation, it fuel my desire to be better. My son is MY SON. I will not be that dad. I will be the father who is always there for him. I want to be there for every moment of his life. I do not want to miss a minute.
In my nursing program other fathers like to joke around how becoming a father is terrible. Every story that they recounted, I thought how different I felt. I was super excited to be a father. I couldn't wait to get back to my son and wife. I liked the menial tasks that parenthood comes with. I liked giving him baths. I liked changing diapers. I liked swaddling him up. I liked to watch him eat, and not just on the boob either. I liked putting him into the carseat to go somewhere. I liked to watch him sleep. I liked watching him make faces. I liked getting him to smile. I sometimes enjoyed trying to figure out why he was fussy, it was kinda like a puzzle. It was all worth it. He is ours. He is mine. My love for him has not diminished, it has grown exponentially.
My heart is broken because I am away from him and his mom. Making my feeling all the more tender towards them. I am looking foward to all the moments in his life. I want to pack him up and take him on hikes and camping. When he utters his first words. The potty training. The terrible twos and terrifying threes. To teaching all the things boys do. I will be there to read him bedtime stories and help him learn to pray. To his first birthday party, to riding a tricyle for the first time. I will be there to teach him how to run, kick a ball, shoot a basket,throw a ball and cast a fishing pole. I will be there for the times he is good and bad. I want to be there for his baptism, receiving the priesthood, his first date, high school graduation, mission farewell and homecoming, when he brings home the girl he loves, shows off his child to their grandparents, and every moment in between  I do not want to miss anything. I want to be a guide, mentor, father and friend. I want him to have the best. This trial of mine is not making me shrink for my responsibilities, duty, dreams and hopes as his father. It only deepens and strengthens my resolve and desire. I have not had the start I wanted and wished. I cannot believe that I am in the position I am in. But I will never give up on my family. I will never give up on my son. I will never give up on my wife. That is the definition of family. That is the definition of me. They mean everything to me and there is nothing I will not do for them. This trial has only exposed and deepened my feelings towards them. I will not let my weaknesses destroy my family. I will be there for them. It will be a process, but it is worth everything I have and will go through to be able to be with them. I will be a provider and supporter of my family. I will be a worthy a priesthood holder for them. I will be the father/husband I need/want to be. My resolve is deep and strong. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

I want to add what I read today in Alma 29.Alma is praising God and wishing he was angel so convince everyone what the right thing to do is. But he cant because he realizes that it takes away people's free agency. When someone is forced to do what is right, true happiness is not available. God gave us agency for according our own will we can choose salvation or destruction. God wants us to chose salvation, he will do everything short of forcing us to chose and do the right things. I think about this situation I find myself in. There are forces trying to destroy me and my family. But in the face of this adversary, I am trying to do what is right. Not because I'm being forced to, I want and chose to. I am compelling myself. I am trying to chose salvation in the face of adversity. My will is to do what is right. I want to repent. I want to change. I want to be with my family. I want to provide from them and be a righteous husband and father. It would be easier not to, but that is not what I want. My family and my salvation is worth all the suffering, pain, agony, embarrassment and guilt. I want to be with my wife and son. It gives me hope that I am on the right path. My will is to return to God and my family. God will help me get there. He is watching over me as I go through the refiner's fire. I need to go through the fire. I will become a better father and husband. I liked verse 17, eventually that is my goal, to get my family back to kingdom of God so "they go no more out". But right now I am fighting for my family. I am fighting for their trust and love. I am fighting to return to them. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 13th

Today I got some errands taken care of. The Jeep is registered in Texas. I ordered contact lenses. I have two left. The ones in my eyes. They are pretty beaten up, chunks are missing out of them. I was going to do laundry but I did not get to it, I will have time tomorrow. I have been looking for a job. I will start applying and updating a resume tomorrow. I thought about my son and wife all day. I went to Barnes and Noble and read the book Rick Harrison(Pawn Stars) wrote. He and his family have led an interesting life. I finished the book while I was there. I am very grateful that my mom had me reading and learning to like it at an early age. I enjoy reading and I am good at it. I sure with the time away from my family I will be doing something to change and return to them, school, work, or be reading. It helps pass the time during the day. I have to take it one day at a time, and by reading I learn something new and how to better myself and my choices. I also went to find the geminids annual meteor shower. I only saw a few cause I did not want to drive out of town, but next year I plan on taking my family to see it.
Today I read in Alma 28. It concerns up to the point the bloodiest war the Nephites and Lamanites has ever seen. They buried a lot of people. At the end of the chapter, verse 13,14.

13 And thus we see how great the ^ainequality of man is because of sin and ^btransgression, and the power of the devil, which comes by the cunning ^cplans which he hath devised to ensnare the hearts of men.

 14 And thus we see the great call of ^adiligence of men to labor in the vineyards of the Lord; and thus we see the great reason of sorrow, and also of rejoicing—sorrow because of death and destruction among men, and joy because of the ^blight of Christ unto life.

These verses had me thinking about "inequality of man because of sin and transgression". What a difference sin can cause to a man's life. It can literally turn it on its head. My life would be very different if it were not for  sin and getting ensnared in the adversary's cunning plans. I have read many times about how the adversary lies in wait and sets traps for us(2ne9:28). I have never been "caught in one". I was not expecting this. I was going about my life thinking what I great life I had. I have a beautiful devoted wife with whom I spend almost every free minute with. We have grand adventures and love each others company. We are financially stable, there was always more that we could of done to be better prepared but we lived comfortably. I was in school, studying to become a Nurse Practitioner. I loved learning how the body works and how to fix it. We just had our first child, a benjamin. The holidays were full of plans to show him off to our families for the first time. Life was amazing. I could hardly ask for more. I felt so blessed. The only thing that would make it better is if we lived in St. George. Then all the sudden, I fell into a trap.I had become complacent on the path through life. I became miserable. I fell. I fell from my high outlook on life, right into misery. I was ripped from everything I love. I am alone. I feel helpless and hopeless. I look back on what I had and wish I was still there. I had everything I wanted. How did it come to this?

Boy scouts and survival techniques have taught me how snares work. The animal is trodding along, then all of the sudden, a seemingly invisible force has them struggling for life. If set properly there is no escape. The more the animal struggles, the faster death comes. 

I am grateful for the knowledge that this trap has an escape. That this is not the end. There is someone who can free me from this entrapment. The adversary does not have the power to keep my soul if I seek help. If I  beg for mercy and help, it can come. I have to sincerely repent and change. The atoning power of Christ can free me. Not only free me but render my weaknesses into strengths. Not only strengthen and change my soul but heal the wounds from sin. The atonement does not only heal but it can help me prevent this from ever happening again. He can save me. He can lighten my burden. He can forgive me. The atonement is real. I experienced it in my life. But I have never experienced it for something of this magnitude. I have never felt this amount of pain, suffering, guilt, misery and worthlessness ever in my life. I have never had to exercise this much faith in repentance in the atonement. At times it feels impossible that I can receive the blessings of the atonement. How does it cover something so heinous? How am I worthy of such a blessing? How can He still love me? How can become clean again? I do not have a perfect knowledge that I will benefit from the atonement. I have hope. I want to regain what I had. I want to be able to be with my wife and son again forever and ever. I want to be better person. I do not want this situation to define me. I want be cleansed from this sin. I want be a righteous person before the Lord. I want to be a righteous husband and father. I want them to be able to trust me again. I want to trust myself and feel that I am a good person again. I do not want to feel worthless and as the scum of the earth. I must have faith that Christ is MY savior. That He still loves me. That He is concerned about the welfare of my soul. That He really died and suffered for my sins. That He came to earth to redeem my soul. He overcame sin and death to redeem me. I must have faith and hope to repent. I must do my effort to change and seek restitution. And after all that I can do, by His grace and love He will make up the difference. The atonement of Christ is my hope. It is the only way back to my family. I must exercise my faith as never before in Him. As the scripture above continues, I must continue to become a man of diligence in the vineyard of the Lord, then I will find "joy because of the light of chirst unto life." I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 12th

Today I finished up my homework. My last assignment for this semester. I am set to find a new place to stay for the next few days. Most of my day was filled with trying to finish my make up assignments for class. I have errands that I need to run, ie titling the jeep. I hope its a smooth transaction. I went to the gym to run and bike. Still out of shape. As I was running it just made me think that this is all a process. I kept thinking Rome was not built in a day. This is a process, working out allows me to gauge how much time has gone by and the effort it takes to change. I have not seen any changes in my physical stamina, but I know that with effort and time I will. My situation is the same thing, by effort and time I will see progress. I ate the most delicious caesar salad today. I do not know why, but it was the best tasting one I have ever had.
Today I read in Alma 27. The Lamanites wanted to fight someone, they knew they couldn't beat the Nephites, so they attacked Ammon and his people a second time, who did not raise their arms to fight. Ammon prayed to the Lord who said, go to the Nephites for protection. The people of Ammon were hesitant because they used to be enemies and were not sure how the Nephites would receive them. They had been to war and plundered their villages. How would the Nephites ever forgive them? So having faith they went and the Nephites gave them the land of Jershon. The Nephites protected them and forgave them.
How hard must it have been for the men of the anti-nephi-lehis not to protect and defend their families for a second time? Those people kept their covenants. I remember my mission president telling the story about him being called as a mission president. First he was called to the quorum of the seventy. When they asked him if he would do it, he discussed it with his wife and they replied, "we are covenant keepers." They responded the same when he was called to the Ivory Coast. A week before they were to depart they asked if he would be the mission president for new mission, they replied "we are covenant keepers." Then when they asked to enlarge his mission and relearn french to include not only the western part of ghana, but Togo and Benin. They responded in the same manner. Then when mission presidents normally change and go home, three weeks before they asked him and his wife if they would stay for another two years. The answer was the same. He was teaching us that keeping covenants is serious. That we do not break covenants with the Lord. I remember that conference very well. I want to be a covenant keeper. I do not want to blur the lines with the covenants I have made to the Lord and my family. I want to be a covenant keeper. I want the Lord's trust. I want my family's trust. I want to be able to stand before the Lord and here him say, "well done my good and faithful servant.thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord." I aspire to hear those words. I am repenting and keeping my covenants now. I have the desire to draw closer to the Lord and always choose what is right. I have tried to justify my actions in the past, but I knew that some of them were wrong. I want to be completely obedient. I want to be righteous. I have been trying to be righteous, but this last month has intensified my desire. I cannot be complacent in my spiritual life. If I am not growing I am digressing. There is no middle ground. My attitude is changing, complacency is being replaced with action. Desire to do what is right, no matter how hard or the consequences. The people of Ammon faced certain death when they chose to to keep their covenants. But it reality they chose eternal life. I want to be a better person. I want to repent and change. I am trying to do so.  I want the blessing of being with my family again. I miss them so much. They motivate me everyday to do everything I can to change and repent. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever.

Tomorrows reading Alma 28.

Dec 11th

Finished my last final today. Tomorrow I will finish up my make up work and I will be done. After that I do not know what I am going to do with myself. I hope I can find some seasonal work to help keep me busy. I do not have a lot to write about today, I will probably summarize what I read today and then start rambling on about my feelings.
I read Alma 26 today. It had made me think about a lot about this situation. Ammon is giving God thanks for the success of missionary work that he has seen. Ammon relates missionary work to a field ready to harvest and starts describing a storm. The storm for me is right now. Hell is raging around me. Confusion, fear and temptation pound at my soul. There is no escaping the storm right now. I have led myself into the storm. I did not have a place where "storm cannot penetrate to them; yea, neither shall they be driven with fierce winds whithersoever the enemy listeth to carry". Sometimes you have to learn the hard way. I have to weather this storm alone. I was not ready. I tell you that I am building my place of refuge. I had a place, but neglect created cracks. And cracks widen and weaken. I am repairing my life. I am starting to fill in and repair what I have neglected in my life. This is not a weekend project. It will take time. But I will get there. Not only a place of refuge for me, but for my family. I have exposed them to the storm as well and it was my responsibility and duty not to let that happen. I have failed. I will never fail again. I have learned that constant watch over my life is necessary. I cannot be complacent in my spiritual life. I must read everyday. I must pray sincerely. I must read with my wife. I must hold family prayers and FHE. I was satisfied coasting through those things, justifying that I would do them in the future. My character is being changed. I want nothing more that to be with my family. I have the determination and desire to do my duty as a husband, father and priesthood holder in my family to do these things. My complacency is removed, I will never again be complacent and jeopardize my family's safety and happiness.
Ammon continues by giving thanks to God for the work he has done. Ammon gives all glory to God. He knows that he is nothing without God. I feel the same. I will praise His name forever. He has given me a second chance with my son. How could I ever thank him enough? Verse 13 states how many thousands of people have been "loosed from the pains of hell"? It gives me hope that I can too be freed from the pains of hell. I do not have to be "encircled about with everlasting darkness and destruction" forever. I can repent and  change and be "brought into his everlasting light". My soul and conscious feel dark. I am living with guilt and pain. I wonder at times if I will ever feel 'normal' ever again. Will I ever find happiness and joy. Will I ever have a quiet moment and not be filled guilt and pain? Will I ever be able to think or see my son without being overcome by guilt and shame? Will I ever be able to look into my wife eyes and not see the hurt and pain I have caused her? I ask these questions daily. They fill my soul with despair and hopelessness.
But God says differently. IT will not be an overnight success, or promises that it will be weeks or months or years. But He promises eventually I can be forgiven. That if I repent and change, eventually I will become a new person. He doesnt promise that I will forget, He promises that He will take upon him my sins, my sufferings and my pain. It is a process, but it can be done. I have to repent and make sincere life changes. I have to follow His commandments. Then eventually I can find rest and peace. I can find myself being forgiven and my burdens lightened.
Verse 22  Yea, he that ^arepenteth and exerciseth faith, and bringeth forth good ^bworks, and prayeth continually without ceasing—unto such it is given to know the^cmysteries of God; yea, unto such it shall be ^dgiven to ^ereveal things which never have been revealed; yea, and it shall be given unto such to bring thousands of souls to repentance, even as it has been given unto us to bring these our brethren to repentance.

This trial is my mystery, I am sometimes tempted to blame God. I have tried to follow His commandments. I know that I can do a lot better. I know He expects more from me. But why not prevent this from happening? Why allow me to have this trial? He is all powerful. Why allows such a bad thing happen to a good person/family.  He could of easily done something to prevent this situation. Why did he allow it? I have been a good person. I go to church every week. I say my personal prayers. I pay a full tithing. I keep His commandments, I try to be a good Christian. I served him honorably as a missionary for two years. I keep the Word of Wisdom. I render service to anyone I see that needs it. I married my wife in the temple. I fulfill my church callings. Doesnt that count for something?
 I do not know if I will ever fully understand why this had to happen. But I cannot blame God. I have to take responsibility for my actions. Through this trial He has provided miracles. It is for my eternal benefit that I go through this trail. I have to learn something. There are lessons from me to learn. There is opportunity to grow.  Elder Christofferson gave a talk (here) where he gave this story.

he came across a currant bush that had grown over six feet (1.8 m) high and was yielding no berries, so he pruned it back drastically, leaving only small stumps. Then he saw a drop like a tear on the top of each of these little stumps, as if the currant bush were crying, and thought he heard it say:

“How could you do this to me? I was making such wonderful growth. … And now you have cut me down. Every plant in the garden will look down on me. … How could you do this to me? I thought you were the gardener here.”

President Brown replied, “Look, little currant bush, I am the gardener here, and I know what I want you to be. I didn’t intend you to be a fruit tree or a shade tree. I want you to be a currant bush, and someday, little currant bush, when you are laden with fruit, you are going to say, ‘Thank you, Mr. Gardener, for loving me enough to cut me down.’”

I hope that this is the case. I hope that this pain and suffering will continue drive me to change and repent. Through repentance I can change. I can change my weakness into strengths. I can overcome the natural man. I can become more Christ-like. There are forces trying to weaken and destroy me. They want me miserable and dejected. But I will not allow myself to held back by my weaknesses. I will not allow my weaknesses to destroy my family. My family means everything to me. My family's happiness and safety is my duty. God entrusted them in my care. I love them with all my heart. I must do everything I can to reunite and strengthen my family. They mean everything to me. My wife and my son motivate me to be a better person and do everything I can to support and protect them. And I will. God will help me. I love my son. I love my wife. 2/4ever

Dec 10

Been up early studying for tests. I took one this afternoon. I think it went pretty well considering everything. I reread a letter, I cannot type on my phone anymore, its makes me write super choppy and the phone auto corrects everything so it sometimes doesn't make sense. I am feeling more hopeful that things will work out. I have everything to lose and I have to constantly fight back those thoughts that I will lose it all. I know where my heart is. I know what I want. I know that I can do it. But I also know that I can't do it alone. I need God. I need my family. I will not have my life void of my son and wife. They mean to much to me. I know that I have a ways until I can earn back their trust and love, but there is nothing I want more. I want a chance. I am hopeful that I will have that chance. I will just have to constantly remind myself. There is nothing I would not do to be with them. Today I finished an exam so that I am one step and one day closer to being able to support and be with them. One day at a time. I will get there. My heart and soul belongs to them. It is theirs for the taking. I should probably go to sleep. I am going to be up early to take another test before noon. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 9th.

Today I have done something I have never done before. Studied on Sunday. I struggled whether to study or not, but my ox is in the mire. I have to take 2 finals in the next two days, I have not had the time to study as I want for the finals, especially since I have missed a lot of school. So today was rather uneventful. I did get some pictures of my son. He is getting so big and handsome. I can believe it. It also saddens me that I have not seen him in so long. I know I am missing him grow up, and its killing me. I will be doing everything I can to get back in his life so I will not miss a minute more than I have to.
I do not know what I want to write about, I have been trying to keep my mind busy with school work and I still need to study for tomorrow so I am hesitant to start writing a lot because I know I will get all emotional and stuff and it will be hard to refocus on my studies. While studying I have to keep reminding myself that doing this task is difficult but its for my family. I need to get an education and finish so that I can provide for my family. That one day my wife will be able to stay at home. I want to provide the support necessary to support my family. I do not want her having to work also just to make ends meet. The next few days the posts probably will be short. I need to finish the tasks on hand to continue to the valley below and eventually up towards my family. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 8th

Today has been filled with books. Stayed here and studied for my finals coming up. Left for a little bit. And came back here and studied some more. BYU played tonight, they won a close game.

I had a really good talk with my grandpa today. It's been a long time since I have seen my family in Idaho. Over a year. But he is recovering from a very intensive back surgery. He is doing a lot better, the pain he was suffering from is gone, just the pain from the surgery resides but they expect that to go away. 

My grandpa is a very good man. I am very blessed to have the examples I have in my life. There he is recovering from surgery and he is worried and concerned about me and my family. It was touching. I have not had the opportunity to have a conversation with him in awhile. It was overdue. He wanted me to know that they are their with their support and love for my family.

 He said that he has been thinking a lot about the day we got married. I was taken back that anyone thinks about our marriage day. I assumed that it would only be I and my wife that would ever reminiscence about that great day. He was remember the spirit he felt when he watched my wife and I get sealed. He said, "it was one of those moments in my life where I knew that God was approving what was happening. The love I witnessed that you two had for each other while covenanting to each other was something I will never forget." He expressed his desire for me to remember those sacred covenants that I made to her. That my family is eternal, it cannot be broken.

 He told me the same thing my father has said to me. That on my mission I taught people the gospel of Jesus Christ. I helped and taught them how to repent and obtain forgiveness through the atonement. Now it is the greatest test of my faith, applying those principles to my own life. That is this probably the hardest thing I will ever do in my life. But it is possible and worth the pain. He expressed his love for my wife. He said you have married an amazing woman who gave you an amazing blessing, a family. They need you just as much as you need them. You are bound to them, have faith in God and your covenants and strive to repent and live by them everyday. I told him how I not as concerned as what is going to happen to me as I am worried about them. I am so scared that I will lose them or that they will suffer will I am away. I want Calvin to have a happy and normal life. I want him to have a mother and father. I want to be his father. I want him to know how much I love him. I want to be a role model in his life. I want to be there to support and sustain my wife. I want to be the breadwinner and provide all the comforts of life for my family. It was just me getting punished because whatever punishment I receive will be in turn punishing my son and wife indirectly.

He also related that his situation is similar to mine. As I described my desire to protect and provide for my family he told me feels the same way. My grandma has MS, and as much as she tries she needs help. My grandpa wants to get better so he can provide and support her. So right now, although our situations are different we both have the same desire to be their for our loved ones. It hurts that we cannot do anything from our current circumstances, but our faith and hope that is one day we can surmount our obstacles and fulfill our duty towards our family. He says that my wife and son are constantly in his prayers. He loves them and is so glad that they are part of the family.

My aunt laura called me today. She wanted to tell me that is understands my predicament. Although what I did was heinous, most parents can relate to those feelings of frustration when you do everything you can to comfort your child and it doesn't work. She understood those feelings and wanted me to know that they were normal. She also wanted me to know that the girls pray for Calvin Alyssa and I every night and that we are loved and thought of often. We talked about them moving to the Carolinas or Portland when they sell their house. And how Luke was already a year old, I have not even met him yet but he is that old.

I read in Alma today. Chapter 24. It is the chapter about how the Anti-Nephi-Lehi were converted to the gospel, and covenanted that they would never break the commandments of God and it included " not staining our swords not more with the blood of our brethren". They had changed so completely and had so much faith in God that when the Lamanites went to war against them, they knelt and allowed themselves to be slaughtered rather than break their covenant with God. This gesture was so compelling to the Lamanites that they stopped killing them and were converted to the Gospel because of the faith of the Anti-Nephi-Lehis. 

It was a good example of a people who used to do terrible things, repented and had become clean again. It proved to me that I can overcome my trial. I can repent and change. I can have change and have faith to the point where this can never happen again. It gives me hope that I too can become clean and come out stronger. I want this. It will be a long process but the end result is worth it. I can be forgiven. I can change. I can make sure this never happens again. I can become stronger. I can become a better person, father and husband.

I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Tomorrow I will be reading Alma 25,26.

Dec 7th

I havent slept in for weeks. Today I woke up at 11. I slept for probably six hours straight. I have not done that in a long time. Today I did not have any plans. I had no where to be. So I stayed here. I figured that by going out I would be spending money on gas or something else I did not need. I wish that my days could be more productive right now. I have this deeply embedded desire overcome this trial, but I have not reached the valley to climb the mountain. I have not reached the valley. How much longer? I want to start up the path. I want to start progressing towards my family. I guess I am headed down and thus towards, but not yet up. Being away from my family is the worst punishment anyone could ever bestow upon me. Cruel and unusual. I love them so much. I just want to be worthy to be with them again. I wish I could take everything I need to do and condense it into one day. But it doesnt work like that. True change comes with time. Where is the fast forward button? Everyday drags by, with every minute of every day being occupied with thoughts of my son and wife. I can truly say that I have never thought about them more on a constant basis. I wish I they occupied my thoughts like this before all this happened, cause it would of never ended up like this.

 I can tell you that right now that they will never be taken for granted again. If I have to live like this for months my feelings for them will have changed. The few weeks away my family have worn my heart out.  I cant imagine what months are going to do.  My love and feelings for them are getting battered. I have never been so emotional and cried so much ever in my life. They occupy my thoughts in everything I do.  I guess my love and feelings are getting tenderized. My heart is breaking for them. Its getting smashed. I wish I had the capacity and language to truly communicate how sorry I am and how much I love them. Its beyond description. I was not aware of the depth of love and concern I have for those two. Its not puppy love, or a crush, superficial, or even love" til death do us part". It is so deep and intertwined in my soul, I just cant find a concept or words to express it. Saying or thinking "I love my wife/son" seems incomplete. That why this situation I put myself in hurts so profoundly . I have torn my family away from me. I know that my wife loves me. I know she probably still has feelings for me. I am not the only one suffering and hurting from missing my family, she is too. I have known her for almost a third of my life. I knew that I wanted to marry her for six years. I have known she was going to be the only woman I would ever love for five years. I know that for at least three years she has only loved me. And I tore myself away from her. I tore the love of her life away.  I caused the same thing to my son. He has only been on earth for two months. He has two people who love him so unconditionally and completely, I took both of them away from him at one point. God made sure to give him at least one back, for the moment.

My soul is broken. All I have is hope and love. I never knew how powerful those forces are. I read them all the time in the scriptures. God is love. God loves His children. We must have a perfect brightness of hope. I never grasped that love and hope is not just an emotion, it is  a force. What is God not willing to do for His children? Nothing!! Its because of His love for us. His capacity to love is so much more than ours and its a perfect love.
 I cannot imagine love deeper than what I have for my wife and son. But I thought that when we got married. I thought that the day Calvin was born. It continues to grow and expand. The last few weeks has shown me the immensity and depth of my love towards them. There is absolutely nothing I would not do for them.

 The desire and drive I have to correct what I have done is immense. There is nothing in hell or earth that can stop me from doing what I need to do to return to my family. I know that the process requires me to change. To learn how to deal with stress. How to control my emotions and frustrations. I want to do it. I have work I need to do with myself. I want to do it. I never want a remote chance of anything like this happening again. I want my family to be able to trust me again. I want to be able to trust myself again. I want them to love me again.

Over Thanksgiving break, I could not bring myself to hold my niece. I could not. Just looking into her face caused me so much pain because all I could think about was my son.  I am so grateful to God that He protected my son. I will never stop being grateful. I cannot bear the thought that something could have happened to him. God knows that I could never live with myself. He is so perfect and innocent, and He watched over him that night. God knew that it was not in my character to do anything like that. God gave me courage to come clean, even though I knew there would be severe consequences for me. I am grateful for my son. I hope one day he will forgive me. I hope that one day he will say that he still loves me. I hope that one day my wife will forgive me. I hope that one day she she will look into my eyes and say, " have I told you that I love you today?"

Long days are to come, as I head to the valley and eventually start up, I will use my love and hope as my drive and motivation to press forward. I know that climbing a mountain takes time. I know reaching the valley will not happen overnight. But why do these things. Why do I love climbing mountains? Its the hope that at the top it will be worth the effort. I know that my wife and son are worth every tear, hardship, suffering, pain, embarrassment, task and effort it will take to reach the top of my mountain. Nothing in life matters more to me than family. I will use this mountain to prove they are and will always be my number one priority. I know it will be difficult for them, they have their own challenges and trials. I hope that see their patience with me will be worth it. I hope that when I get to the top, they are not underwhelmed or disappointed. I hope they will see what I have done to become their father and husband. That I climbed up from hell and became a better father, husband and person for them. I love my son. I love my wife. 2/4ever

Dec 6th

No headache! I found some sleep last night. Woke up this morning and started to study. It much easier without of headache. There was a lot of material to cover. Jamming three weeks of info into a few hours. I did we'll enough to pass. I'm just tying to survive at this point. I'm not sure if ill be able to continue becoming a nurse, but at this point I'm still working towards it. This break coming up I hope to find out if I need a career change. I do not know. At this point I my life there is so much up in the air that I can't make the progress I want to make. It's kinda frustrating. I want to start doing things to make the situation right. I want to start showing my actions. I want to start doing those things required of me. I want to start working towards change. I want to start the process of seeing my son and wife again. But I must be patient, it's so hard cause I want to start now. I want to know what I need to do. I want to restart my life again. I want to make amends.

After the test I attended my other appointment, I was kind of intimidated. I had no idea what to expect. It went better than I thought. I was then going to go to areofit but it was super crowded, so I went to barnes and noble for awhile then decided to head to bed.
I have been reading in Alma 18-21. It is when Ammon and Lamoni take a journey to free Ammon's brethern. Along the way they meet Lamoni father, who is angry that his son is with a Nephite. Lamoni tries to kill Ammon, Ammon wins and the king amazingly start to like Ammon. He frees Ammon's brethren. The next chapter Aaron recounts his story. Aaron drew the short stick. He struggled mightily during his mission. He was chased out, thrown in prison, they mocked him and "suffered many things". He was just as good if not a better missionary, but he did not have the same success. Why? Why did God send Aaron to the most wicked people?
As I thought about Aaron, a scripture kept coming to mind, " know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good."
I must use this experience to make myself better. It was a terrible thing I did. There were no excuses. But I must learn from it. I must change. I must use it to make myself better. The guilt, shame and love for my son motivates me to become better. I will do anything I can to change. I want to become a better father, husband and person. Life is full of trials. I hope that this is the biggest trial I will ever face, alone. I have always imagined that when trials would come, it would be us vs. them. Alyssa and I vs. the world. Then came Calvin, Alyssa and I vs. the world. I was certain that we could overcome anything. I could do anything if my family was there by my side. I never imagined divided. That is what families are for. Strength, love, support through everything. God gave us families to make us stronger. God gave us families so we can find true happiness. I married my wife because I love her. I wanted to be there for her when times in her life got tough. I knew she would be there for me. I wanted to start a family with her because I knew we offered something special for our children. I wanted nothing more than to raise a family with the love of my life. I imagined us having lots of kids. A whole mess of them. I even imagined that our first born was a boy ever since I could remember. I did not see us wealthy, but comfortable and happy. I wanted to play referee to our kids arguments  I wanted to wrestle with them before bedtime. I wanted to chase them down and put them to bed every night. I still want a lot of kids. I still want that. I still want that family that I imagined. I just need to get through this trial and learn from it. This is probably why it hurts so much. I want to be a great dad. I did not hurt a random stranger. I hurt someone who I love. Someone who I imagined my whole life. It kills me to think of what I did. I know I did not make a choice, but how could I do that to someone who I have I have been waiting for my whole life? The look I saw in my wife eyes as I told her....indescribable. I never want to see that image again. But I see it everyday.
I knew it would not be easy being a parent, but I never imagined this. I could never dream that it would be this hard. I really have to fight to have the family I imagined. I am not only fighting for my wife and son, but any future children. I am fighting for them all. I can become the father and husband I need to be. I can repent. I can seek out my sons and wife forgiveness. I can have my family back. But it will be a fight. I will do everything I can to have my family back. I know the court and law will require me to do certain things, I will do them. But even if they were not involved, I am motivated to do all that I can to change. I will fight for my eternal family. They are worth the pain, suffering and time.
I do not have a lot to do tomorrow. Probably read Life Everlasting. Eat something. Write more. Repent. Dream of my family. Wish I was with them. Hoping they are doing great. Hoping that one day I will have my family back. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Tomorrow I will be reading Alma 22,23

Dec 5th.

What a night and day. This is the first time I have ever had a stress headache. All last night I kept waking up to an headache. Usually by morning it is gone, but not this time. I have been drinking as many fluids as i can without throwing up. I ate some lipton's chicken noodle soup. I have tried to study. But to no avail. I reread what I wrote last night, terrible grammar errors. Im miserable. Guilt, stress, worry and headaches are not compatible  I am going to bed right now and hopefully try to get up early and study. I'm sure ill be up periodically throughout the night. I just want this day to be over. I hate headaches. Sorry this is so short but I do not feel like being conscious. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

Dec 4

For whatever reason my previous post decided to delete itself. So this is probably going to be shorter cause I have a pounding headache.

Today I feel worn down. Its probably due to the lack of sleep, not eating, physical and emotional stress and it was a rainy day. I have been trying not to bring electronics to bed. I have used them in the past to help focus and concentrate my mind so I can fall asleep at night. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didnt. It probably did more damage than good. My mind likes to race at night. So I need to find something else. But I am guilty of using a background noise app. My favorite background noise is rain on the roof top. It reminds me growing up when I slept next to an open window and on my mission. I loved the nights that it rained, it was really soothing. Listening to the rain hit the corrugated metal roof. So the last few nights I have had it on. When I wake up and I hear it playing it truly tricks my mind into thinking that it is raining outside and I fall asleep quick. So today when it was actually raining kinda through me for a loop. I had to get up early to study for two tests today. I did well enough to pass, which was what I was going for. I have a few more tests this week, and expect a lot of time studying. It helps to study but hard at the same time. Its hard to concentrate and learn when I have this situation always wanting my attention. But on the other hand it give my mind relief not having to worry about it for a brief moment. My and how they are doing is always at the forefront. I hope that they are doing great. I wish I could do more for them. But the best thing I can do is to what I am doing, staying away. I went home and took a nap. I still feel so worn down, so I stayed here and read and studied some.

I was reading in Alma 16-17 today. It amazes me that in every chapter I can find something that relates to my crisis. In Alma 16, it describes how the Lamanites attacked the Nephites unexpectedly. Although they destroyed a wicked city, they still attacked cities in the surrounding area. The Nephites chose to defend their land and their leader went to Alma to get direction from God on what they should do. They followed his guidance and were successful.

When I read this I applied it to my life. I had become complacent in my life. My defenses were not ready. I did not see or recognize any warning signs. I had no idea that this situation could happen to me. Then a terrible terrible thing happened. I have been racked by guilt I knew not existed. 

 I have choices. I can give up, or I can fight for my family. I know that now I must fight for my family. I must hope that it is possible. I have to change and repent. I have to try. I cannot lose them. I must become a better husband and father because of this. I want to do anything I can to change. I will do anything that is required of me. I will fight of my family who I love more than life itself. I must that that hope that I can be their father and husband agin.

My sister sent me this quote.

"Our eternal happiness is not one of Satan’s objectives. He knows that an essential key to making men and women miserable like himself is to deprive them of family relationships which have eternal potential. Because Satan understands that true happiness in this life and in the eternities is found in the form of family, he does everything in his power to destroy it." (2011 April General Conference, Establishing a Christ-Centered Home, Sat. Afternoon Session - Richard J. Maynes)

I will not let my weaknesses destroy my family. I will not deprive my son and my wife of that happiness. I will not let my weaknesses destroy such a good thing. God made us a family, I will not let it be broken. I will do anything and everything to become a worthy father and husband. I know that I can do it. It will be long and very difficult process. This trial must make me a better husband, father and person. My family is all that is important to me. Items, money, careers and honors do not last. Nor do they bring happiness. Family and those relationships are the only thing we can have in the next life. I know families that are so poor they do not know where their next meal is coming from. Then there are families I know that can afford what their whims desire. Yet I envy those families I know from my mission. They are so content and happy cause they have strong family relations. Families equal happiness. My family bring me immense joy and comfort. I want the happiness that I had with them. I will fight for them. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever

I will be reading Alma 18-19.