I started something that I should have done long ago. Working out. I am so physically drained right now. I did not sleep last nite. I did not eat dinner last night. I did not eat breakfast or lunch. The people I am staying with are sweethearts, but I feel awkward asking them to feed me since they are going out of there way and comfort zone to allow me to stay in a spare room. They haven't mentioned food, and neither have I. So this morning I went to target and bought some instant oatmeal, thinking I was going to use my emergency stove that I have stashed in the Jeep, but as I arrived at a park I realized that I had put the emergency kit in the other car when we went to Austin. I would really like to get my gas burning stove from home. Ill put it on the list to get. Im sure the food issue will get resolved. Just I feel so awkward in this situation. It will be like this for a long time.
I was going to meet with my attorney today but she had a close friend who lost her child last night. I feel sincerely heartbroken for the family. I caused my son to suffer and be taken from me. I couldn't imagine him being taken away permanently. I am so grateful that God protected my son. I could never live with myself. My sincere condolences to her family. I am to meet with her Monday. I tried to get ahold of my teacher but she was not at school and has not returned my phone call.
So with all this time I decided to workout. Its has been long overdue. It could be partly that I dont eat much haven't slept well in the last few weeks. Running was hard. It took me 2 hours to run 3 miles and bike 5 miles. It is something I need to do. I know that I want to be physically healthy and active in years to come. I need to earn that luxury. But I never felt so out of shape before.
Another reason is for my wife. Because I have been complacent in my physical work outs, I became very self conscious of my body. As she worked out and improved her amazingly sexy body, I ate fruit snacks and gained weight. I would watch her shower and change, and say to my self, "wow, there is my woman!" Then I would think what I look like and I felt embarrassed and self conscious because I had not been caring for my body. It affected our sex life and helped contribute to my poor decision making. The worst part is that it ended up hurting her self esteem and trust and our relationship. She felt self conscious as she became pregnant and thought she was the problem. No, it was never her. I did not vocalize or show through my actions how attractive and sexy she was to me. She worked out as she was pregnant, I never knew that a pregnant woman could be just as attractive if not more. That sexy woman was carrying my son. I assumed she knew and I tend to internalize my thoughts. I need to be more open with my thoughts and feelings with her. I need to work on better communicating what I am feeling and thinking. I need to open my mouth and show through my actions that she is my woman and how much I am attracted to her. I need to tell her and show her how much I love her. Working out will allow improve my self esteem, allow me to be more open and less self conscious around my wife. I have lost ~20 pounds the last few weeks. Although unintentionally, it will help me feel better about myself. I weighed in the neighborhood of 225-228, and stepping on the scale today at the gym 205.
Another reason is for my wife. Because I have been complacent in my physical work outs, I became very self conscious of my body. As she worked out and improved her amazingly sexy body, I ate fruit snacks and gained weight. I would watch her shower and change, and say to my self, "wow, there is my woman!" Then I would think what I look like and I felt embarrassed and self conscious because I had not been caring for my body. It affected our sex life and helped contribute to my poor decision making. The worst part is that it ended up hurting her self esteem and trust and our relationship. She felt self conscious as she became pregnant and thought she was the problem. No, it was never her. I did not vocalize or show through my actions how attractive and sexy she was to me. She worked out as she was pregnant, I never knew that a pregnant woman could be just as attractive if not more. That sexy woman was carrying my son. I assumed she knew and I tend to internalize my thoughts. I need to be more open with my thoughts and feelings with her. I need to work on better communicating what I am feeling and thinking. I need to open my mouth and show through my actions that she is my woman and how much I am attracted to her. I need to tell her and show her how much I love her. Working out will allow improve my self esteem, allow me to be more open and less self conscious around my wife. I have lost ~20 pounds the last few weeks. Although unintentionally, it will help me feel better about myself. I weighed in the neighborhood of 225-228, and stepping on the scale today at the gym 205.
I was in the steam room, I was thinking how pathetic of physical shape I was in. Then I continued thinking about my mess of a situation. I thought, "what shape is my soul in?" I cannot see what shape my emotional and spiritual self must look like, but it has to be bad. I have not been doing the things that would keep them in top shape. For how else how I react to a situation and do such a heinous thing? I have never done anything similar before in my life. My whole being right now is pathetic. It was a hard reality. I am weak. But I started to reminiscence how my body used to be, strong, lean and capable of amazing things. It just takes time. I cannot get into the shape I want by two hours of arduous work. It comes by daily persistence and time. The same is with my emotional and spiritual self. I have to do daily arduous work and then over time I can become capable as I once was and become stronger than ever before. It sucks. Its hard. I wish I could be strong enough now to be with my family. But it is possible. It is a promise. You get what you sow. I have to work at becoming fit for my family. Then I have to at least maintain. I cannot ever become complacent again. I cannot afford to ever digress. I will not allow myself because if I do I will lose everything I love. My wife. My son. My future children. I will not allow my weaknesses to keep me away from my family.
Today I read Alma 11,12. It was Amluek and Alma putting Zeezrom into his place by the power of God. See rom tries catch Amulek on a technical word. He asks if God can save us in our sins. Amulek replies that no he cannot save us in our sins. But he goes on to explain that Jesus Christ saves us from our sins. No unclean thing can enter the kingdom of God.
It hits me that I'm on the right path. I was in sin when I tried to justify pornography in my life. I thought no one would know or get hurt. I justified that I was doing it to help my wife. I thought she did not enjoy sex with me. It was heart tearing to tell my wife what I had done, right after I told her what happened to her son. I know that it was the right thing to do, she deserved the truth. I had to start the process of removing myself from my sins.
I was in sin when I tried to justify not telling the doctors the truth about what I did. I wanted my son to be healed, I never had any preemption I would do such a thing. I was just as astonished as everyone else that I did what I did. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that I totally responsible for my sons injury. I was scared. When they said seizures, it made sense. I triggered his seizures. When they said acid reflux it made sense. I triggered his acid reflux. I knew I probably triggered something but did not want to believe that I was the sole reason for his condition. I am so grateful God protected him. That he has minimal injuries from what could of been. That his prognosis is they don't expect any long term deficiencies.
I am glad that I finally told the truth. Now the doctors can know what caused his condition can provide better care. I am glad I found the strength to do so. I know there has to be consequences from my actions, but I need to do what I need to do to remove this sin and repent and change. I had to do it for my son. I had to start to make things right.
I removed the cancerous sin secrets from my life. The hole is enormous. But it was the only way to heal. I was so reluctant because I thought I was protecting my loved ones. It was only further hurting them. It is the only way to start the process of making things right. It will be a long journey for me. But as long as I am doing everything I can to make things right, I will end up where I need to be. I hope that it ends up with my family. I hope I end up a better father and husband to my son and wife. That is my hope. It is fueling my desire to repent and change.
Alma 12:33 But God did call on men, in the name of his Son, (this being the plan of redemption which was laid) saying: If ye will repent, and harden not your hearts, then will I have mercy upon you, through mine Only Begotten Son.
I know if I truly repent that I can eventually be forgiven. I taught countless people about the atonement, and watch them receive forgiveness. I have repented and received forgiveness before. But it's hard for me to imagine how I can receive forgiveness on such a heinous thing as this. How can i ever forgive myself? How can my son ever forgive me? How can my wife ever forgive me? It's mind boggling. I am not completely sure if it is possible. I have only hope and faith that it is. And not a whole lot of it. But the little I have i need tohang on to it. I need to have faith and hope that if I repent and do everything I can to make things right that I will receive forgiveness. I do not want to have this guilt forever. I must repent, it's the only way. 2/4ever
I am going to continue reading alma 13 and 14.
Today I read Alma 11,12. It was Amluek and Alma putting Zeezrom into his place by the power of God. See rom tries catch Amulek on a technical word. He asks if God can save us in our sins. Amulek replies that no he cannot save us in our sins. But he goes on to explain that Jesus Christ saves us from our sins. No unclean thing can enter the kingdom of God.
It hits me that I'm on the right path. I was in sin when I tried to justify pornography in my life. I thought no one would know or get hurt. I justified that I was doing it to help my wife. I thought she did not enjoy sex with me. It was heart tearing to tell my wife what I had done, right after I told her what happened to her son. I know that it was the right thing to do, she deserved the truth. I had to start the process of removing myself from my sins.
I was in sin when I tried to justify not telling the doctors the truth about what I did. I wanted my son to be healed, I never had any preemption I would do such a thing. I was just as astonished as everyone else that I did what I did. I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to believe that I totally responsible for my sons injury. I was scared. When they said seizures, it made sense. I triggered his seizures. When they said acid reflux it made sense. I triggered his acid reflux. I knew I probably triggered something but did not want to believe that I was the sole reason for his condition. I am so grateful God protected him. That he has minimal injuries from what could of been. That his prognosis is they don't expect any long term deficiencies.
I am glad that I finally told the truth. Now the doctors can know what caused his condition can provide better care. I am glad I found the strength to do so. I know there has to be consequences from my actions, but I need to do what I need to do to remove this sin and repent and change. I had to do it for my son. I had to start to make things right.
I removed the cancerous sin secrets from my life. The hole is enormous. But it was the only way to heal. I was so reluctant because I thought I was protecting my loved ones. It was only further hurting them. It is the only way to start the process of making things right. It will be a long journey for me. But as long as I am doing everything I can to make things right, I will end up where I need to be. I hope that it ends up with my family. I hope I end up a better father and husband to my son and wife. That is my hope. It is fueling my desire to repent and change.
Alma 12:33 But God did call on men, in the name of his Son, (this being the plan of redemption which was laid) saying: If ye will repent, and harden not your hearts, then will I have mercy upon you, through mine Only Begotten Son.
I know if I truly repent that I can eventually be forgiven. I taught countless people about the atonement, and watch them receive forgiveness. I have repented and received forgiveness before. But it's hard for me to imagine how I can receive forgiveness on such a heinous thing as this. How can i ever forgive myself? How can my son ever forgive me? How can my wife ever forgive me? It's mind boggling. I am not completely sure if it is possible. I have only hope and faith that it is. And not a whole lot of it. But the little I have i need tohang on to it. I need to have faith and hope that if I repent and do everything I can to make things right that I will receive forgiveness. I do not want to have this guilt forever. I must repent, it's the only way. 2/4ever
I am going to continue reading alma 13 and 14.
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