Jan 10th

Last night was spent in another unfamiliar bed. It was the last day to spend at oh home before my wife and son came home from their vacation. It was super hard to leave. The last few hours were spent in tears. Trying to remember and soak in their presence. It was hard to think about that in a few hours their beautiful faces would grace our home and I would not be there to greet them. It felt like I was leaving them for a second time. I miss them to the core of my bones. I want to hold and hug them and tell them how much I love them and would do anything for them. The last two weeks that home was filled with my love, sorrow, guilt, hope, pain, service and tears. Everywhere I looked I saw my wife and son, either by picture or memory. I felt as though it was sacred ground. I did not want leave. I did not want to leave the bed where my wife lays her head. I wanted to stay and receive them in my arms. I wanted to wake up from the nightmare with my wife in my arms. I miss and love them so much. I wish there was an adequate way to show them how I feel, words uttered or written are so inadequate. I feel so limited.

Returning to the home I am staying at was somewhat familiar . That night I felt stark reality hit me as I pulled up to their house. I felt the weight return of loneliness and dread. Being in our home took the edge off, now here I am hardly closer to my family. I have to remember days like this that I am one day closer to being with my family. I wish I could do more to prove and return to them.

Today I worked out with my nursing program about not returning to this semester with the possibility of continuing in the fall. It was hard decision to make, four years of preparing and planning my career and how I was going to support my family, put on hold or canceled. All that hard work, for nothing. God took me on this path, I don't know why, but I have to have faith that another path will appear how I am to support my family. It's hard to see all that work to down the drain, there is a slim chance I can still go down but right now I do not see that happening.
We have been reading scriptures and praying together. It was something I knew we should be doing better I dreaded it for whatever reason. Now I am anxiously waiting until we can read and pray. It brightens my day and brings peace and hope to me. A high point of my days! I am grateful for the things I can do to draw closer to God and family. I awaiting anxiously to do more. I am grateful for my deep and profound love for my wife and son. That it is my deepest desire to be with my family again. That I want to fight for my family instead of giving up and walking away. It gives me hope and faith that I am still a good person who has righteous desires. That I made a mistake and I want to fix it and strengthen my weaknesses. That there is hope for me and that trough this hell I can learn and become a better husband father and person. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4evef