Jan 12th

Today has been another slow day. I spent most of my time looking for classes to take starting Monday. Probably Mary classes or two and small business class. Since nursing might not be an option, opening a business of some sort has always appealed to me. I have no idea what. I have thought the idea of a plasma center, as a side business to opening family practice. But looking at my options, it's hard to know what I want to do. I like the medical field, never thought of any other career field. Engineering maybe. I don't know. Math however will probably part of any other degree plan, in high school I looked into the biomedical engineering degree. I took those tests to see what my interest and personality would be suited for and that was one of the top results. We will see. Ran a few errands. Helped my wife with her program. Wished I could see her and Calvin. Rewatched all the movies she has sent me of him. He has grown so much. I am missing so much. It hurts to think what I am missing. I gives me more desire not to miss more than I have to. Makes me want to change and repent so that I am worthy and ready to be with them again. I miss them so much. I wish I could do more and start doing those things required of me. This probationary state is terrible, waiting and doing nothing. Basically a timeout, until my punishment is determined and I can start serving it. The probationary state is probably the worse part because I am not any closer to being with my family. I love them so much. I cannot express even in the slightest how I feel and worry about them. How I want to start my punishment so I can do and get closer to them. I want feel as everyday I am becoming closer them. I want to do, not wait.
I just miss them dearly. I sit here in this house, I feel as thought I am here physically but mentally and emotionally at our home. My thoughts are always wondered and wishing I was with my son and wife. Wondering what thy are doing. What they are thinking. Are they thinking of me? Are they okay? Do they need anything? What is my son doing? What would they be doing if I was there? Do they miss me? What can I do for them? What is my wife doing?
I miss knowing these menial things. I miss being a part of their everyday lives. I just miss and love them with my whole being. I hate being away and alienated from them.
I will do everything and everything I can to be with them again. They are worth everyday of hell I this probationary state and any punishment and consequence I will go through if I can be with them again. They mean everything to me. I hope I still mean something to them. Enough not to forget about me and not give up hope on me. I am doing everything I can. I want and desire to do more to bring our family together. I have the deepest desire to change and be a better father husband and person. I want that and will prove that. I have a lot of potential to do good and I need to actualize it. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever