Jan 20th

Sundays are always hard. Trying to get the courage to go to church, alone. Seeing people with their families and little ones always brings tears to my eyes. The shame and guilt I feel is immense. I know where and with who I want and should be with. It tears my heart that I put my family in this situation. I hate going to church without my family. I have always assimilated church with family and good feelings. It got even better when my wife was by my side and then our son was born and he could come too. Church is hard. But I go because I know that I need it. I know that no matter how people judge me or how I feel temporarily, it is because I have righteous desires and I am repenting and changing.
Today after church I saw a video of my son jumping and playing and smiling like crazy. His mom would say his name look at her, recognize and smile. His grandma would say his name, look, recognize and smile. He looked so happy and content. But it it my heart to think that he doesn't know his dad. That I am not there to show my love for him. I am so limited in contact with my son. I cannot make him smile, or comfort him when he is crying, make him more comfortable by changing his diaper and what not. I used to be able to do that. Now he is going to be five months tomorrow, I hardly recognize him. He is so much more aware of his surroundings and interacting like I have never seen. This is not a dig at his grandma, she has sacrificed a lot of our family, but I hate the thought he knows his grandma more than is dad. I hate that she spends more time with him than I can. I wish it was opposite. It soul sucking that I cannot be with my family. This Sunday afternoon, I cannot be there. I should be there playing, taking care of him, cleaning, hugging and kissing on my wife, preparing a meal for them and just enjoying being with my family. But I am stuck here alone, having all these feelings that are not fun to say the least. It is truly hell. There is no distraction to dull or remove the pain and anguish. Just the hope and determination that this is not permanent, that this is not my destiny to be separated from the loves of my life. I cannot accept that future, it gives me great drive and hope that this hell can have an end. It gives me hope faith and stamina that although this is the hardest thing I have ever bad to endure, I can and will endure it for my wife and son. My greatest loves will be born through my greatest struggle.
I am grateful for my wife who still believes in me and our marriage. I am grateful that she believes and knows the atonement and the repentance is real. I am grateful for a son who is growing and developing and the joy is brings to our lives. I am grateful for the technology that allows me to be part of their lives even though I am miles away. I am grateful for so many things, hopefully one day I will be grateful for this experience because of the lessons I will learn and the better man, husband and father I will have become. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever