February 19th

Every night, I dread the morning. I hate my life. Nights I feel alone. I cant sleep. I fear the dark and quiet. And when I have a few moments of blissful unconsciousness, I have to awake up. I have to awake to the life I do not have. I hate waking up in the morning and realizing where I am. I am grateful for the people I am staying with, how their hospitality and generosity has touched me, but I hate it here. I hate that I have to be here. I hate that I am not with my family. I hate that I cannot see my son. I hate that I see my wife for a few moments. This is unbearable. My soul cannot continue to take this, without knowing that there is an end.  

My family means everything to me. I am want what is best for my son. I cling to every precious minute I have  with my wife. Its my only lifeline. I am so vulnerable that is literally scares me to death. I feel like a shadow of myself, I have no joy or happiness. Tonight, they at our marriage class. I was fighting back emotions, I cannot even write right now. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever