Feb 11th

Alone. Pain. Hell. My life for the last three months. Three words. Three months. The last few days have been especially tough. I have been physically sick. I think I had food poisoning or developed lactose intolerance. Last night was severe diarrhea, and throwing up. First time I have ever thrown up in the shower. The physical feeling doesnt compare to the mental and emotional anguish I feel. The last couple days I have really been on edge. An unsettling feeling of anxiousness and fear. I have been so jittery and tense. There are so many thoughts and fears and worries. I feel so alone, desolate, and isolated. My life is hell. I only cling to the hope that one day it will end. It has hard to see the end of all this. I have to hope that there is. I have to hope to be able to be with my wife and son again. I will never be able to be happy or experience joy if I cannot have them in my life. Everyday my heart breaks when I wake up many time during the night and I am not by my wife's side. The crushing loneliness and hostility of my situation in close to unbearable. I only suffer this for them. Hoping to be reunited with my loved ones again. Hoping I can be the man, husband and father again in their lives. Its a very selfish desire, I need them to be happy. I need them to feel peace. I need them to find joy. Right now I dont see what I offer them. Except a broken heart and everlasting love and desire to make them happy. I would do anything to be with them again. And I will, to endure these pains of hell and loneliness will be all worth it. To become the man, husband and father God needs/wants me to be through the sorrow and anguish will all be worth it to be with my wife and son. Eternally will this change my soul. Eternally will I be acutely aware of what my wife and son mean and are to me. Eternally will I be set out to prove my love and worthiness to them. Eternally will my destiny be changed. I hope my final destiny includes them. I love them to eternity and back. They have shaped who I am, who I want to be and who I will be. It is the hardest thing to be separated from them. I hate seeing my wife struggle. I hate that I cannot do anything  meaningful  for her, I hate feeling that I add to her troubles. I hate feeling like a burden to her. I wish I could contribute more happiness and ease to her life. Everyday I study my ring. When I bought it it had a hammered, rugged rock-like finish. over time I notice there are nicks gashes and scratches all over if you look closely enough. Those were hard times. It took alot of force to create the scratch or gash in the silver. If the ring could talk, I'm sure it would say it hurt and wasn't pleasant. But the finish of the ring is changing.  Those nicks and scratches are a natural part of life, living life means hard times will come. For the moment it can be painful and agonizing, but life is not meant to be a glass case. No longer are the rough edges there, they are slowly being worn down to a smooth finish. Perfection come by way of imperfection. Everyday I look at my ring, I know I am not alone. Even though I feel so alone and isolated, there is a bond that this ring represents. Life can beat down upon this ring, but it will only help to perfect its finish. The bond of a temple marriage will last longer than this ring. My love and devotion to my wife is eternal. I love my Savior. I love my wife. I love my son. 2/4ever