My first day alone. My father left early this morning to Seattle. It was the first day that I have had to face alone. I tried to do things to keep my mind off the obvious. I cashed some checks, I went to make an appointment with my attorney tomorrow, I did laundry at a place called a Washeria. Picked up some dry cleaning. Went for a long walk listening to the mormon channel. Now I am at Barnes and Noble writing my feelings until its time to sleep, relieving my conscious of the guilt I have dealt myself. I am grateful for this day. It is easier to bear than yesterday or the few weeks before. God is a God of miracles. He is in the intimate details of our lives. Yesterday I had my first court hearing that I have ever attended. Unfortunately, I was on trial. It was to determine where my son is the most safe. In the hands of strangers, or in the comfort of his mother's arms. God softened many hearts and prepared in advance the answer to my many prayers. My son was reunited with my wife. Where he should have been all along. The two innocent people in this situation do not have to suffer being separated from each other. My conscious' guilt has been partly lifted. The two people I love the most are suffering less.
I am coming to find out that hell is not a place where fire and brimstone causes agony. Hell is being separated from your loved ones because of your wrong choices. Hell is not being able to communicate with them and tell them how much you love them. Hell is life without your family. I have never been happier in this city. My family became bigger in this city and so did my joy, happiness and contentment. Now this place reminds me of what I had and cannot have at the moment. At day one I find myself longing to drive down familiar streets and return to the comfort and company of my home. But I cannot. For if I do I will cause them more suffering and I am not willing to ever do that again. I have a long path until I can do that again. I have much to repent and change before I will allow myself. This blog is to help me express and sort my thoughts and feelings as I go through this ordeal. I have found writing it down lowers my anxiety, helps me sort through all the range of emotions I have been feeling. its will also serve as a record of the progress and change I will be making.
I will be candidly honest. I will be relying more than ever on my God and Savior to help me change and get through this. I will become the husband and father I have to be.
In Preach My Gospel, Boyd K. Packer is quoted as saying, " True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior." I intend prove this. The blog will be a collective works of what I am doing to change. I have a intensely deep desire to change. I have never felt so guilty of anything in my life. For my actions have torn apart my eternal family. Two out of the three pieces are together. I am so grateful to God for that great blessing. Now I have to truly change and repent in order to receive the blessing of being with my family again. The atonement of Christ is the only true way I can change permanently and receive forgiveness of what I have done. The gospel is not for perfect saints, but for the perfection of sinners.
I have not been faithful in getting myself and my family to read the scriptures everyday. I intend to change that starting today. I know that if I had done so, it would have been less likely that all of this occured. I had become complacent, allowing the adversary's foot in the door. I must never be complacent again, I cannot allow the adversary to slip past my defenses and destroy my family again. I must do everything I have been taught and believe in order to resist the buffetings of the adversary from ever hurting my family again. Daily family scripture study along with personal scripture study is one step.
Today I have read in Alma. When I awoke this morning I had a sense of peace that I have not felt the last two weeks. When I awoke the first thing that came to mind is Calvin will be waking up to his mom. That thought gave me a sense of peace that at least something in this ordeal has been made right. I felt so grateful to God that he made that happen. I started out reading in Alma 9. When I got to chapter 10 I liked the story of Amulek. He defended Alma and explained how Amulek met Alma. He knew that earlier in his life God had tried to get him to do what is right but he hardened his heart. But then he sent an angel and then Amulek listen and did what the Lord wanted him to do. And because he listened, he was blessed. I likened the story to my situation. I had become complacent and God was probably trying to get me to heed to some promptings but my heart was hardened and my spirit dulled. Then he sent an angel, Calvin. Who brought so much joy and hope. Telling me to straighten up and repent. After my son's arrival, I made a heinous mistake. I hurt my own son who I love more than myself.
Fortunately, he did not suffer from me as much as he could have. God protected him from me to an extent. Now I find myself humbled and seeking Gods voice. That angel has me repenting and seeking for righteousness. It would have been better if I was not compelled or forced, not only for me but especially Calvin. God did protect him for his injuries could have been a lot worse. Now I must be like Amulek and act on the experience that God gave me. I must become a faithful servant. That means truly repenting and acting like His servant. God saved Calvin's life, and in turn Calvin will save my soul. I love my son. I never understood a parents love, it only matches what I feel for my wife. I have to become a better father and husband. I have a deep desire to change and be better than I have ever been. I have to eliminate my weaknesses to be with my family. I will never take them for granted. I am forever in His debt. He has blessed me more than I can thank Him. As in verse 11.
Then its ironic as the chapter goes on, it starts talking about the cunning lawyers who seek to destroy the righteous. I couldn't help thinking about the CPS trying to keep my son away from my wife. Everyone knew the right thing to was for my son to be with her, but they tried to "lay traps and snares to catch the holy ones of God"(v12)(v32). They were the two innocent people in this situation.
God is in the intimate details of our lives. I love my son and wife so much. I will prove that my weaknesses are not stronger than my love for them. I can overcome anything to be with them. If God helps me. That is my plan. This is my blog. I will overcome my mistakes and weaknesses and prove to them they are worth more to me than anything. I will become a better father and husband by this process and the atonement. I long to hold them and tell them i love them. I will become a pillar of righteousness and strength for them. I love my wife and son, nothing will change that. 2/4ever.
Tomorrow I will read alma 11-12. I am also reading another book called Life Everlasting by Duane S. Crowther. I'm sure ill mention it in future posts
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